Archive for August, 2008

5 Of The Coolest Gadgets James Bond NEVER Used

August 14, 2008 at 6:00 pm · Filed under cool, list, odd

Cell Phone Gun- Flip phone takes on a whole new meaning when the phone is flipped into a gun. Point the antennae at your target, squeeze the buttons on both sides of the phone simultaneously, and plug a few rounds into the man you’re hunting. It makes that killer umbrella gun looks like nothing.

Sleeping-Bomb Booze Bottle- While Bond might like Shaken Not Stirred (depending on the movie), he wouldn’t want what is in this bottle. Why? Because it is a high-powered, sleep-inducing chemical agent. Pull off the label, which is actually a temporary gas mask, put it over your nose and mouth, then unscrew the top of the bottle, and let the liquid turn to an aerosol spray and cloud the room, knocking out anyone who needs to sleep. Good way to clear whole rooms.

Super-Tips- Small, electrified, flesh tone pads that’s attach to your finger tips, and allow you to electrically incapacitate anyone you can touch. Need to get past a guard? All you need to do it get close enough to touch him and hell hit the ground, out cold. Just apply with skin-glue and enjoy.


Bullet-Proof Suit- This isn’t just some Kevlar dressed up to look fancy, this is a real Tuxedo, and it makes Kevlar look like construction paper. Woven from high-impact spider-silk fibers and “liquid steel” thread, this tuxedo can take a point-blank shot from a Desert Eagle, and you’ll feel like it was a punch in the chest. You might not want to stand in front of an AK-47, but a few bursts won’t do too much damage, unless you take on in the head. That’s you’re fault for not ducking.

PDA Wallet- While it looks like a leather wallet, fold it open and that little, plastic card holder can be used as a screen. With wireless internet, you can check your email, contact back-up, keep mission briefings and target info, or just look at porn when your bored at a stakeout.

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Ludicrous Laws and Ridiculous Rules

August 10, 2008 at 9:09 pm · Filed under list, odd, politics

In Georgia, the ban on lewd or obscene bumper stickers has been overturned after a women was fined for her anti-Bush sticker with an obscenity in it. So now, motorists’ freedom of expression has been upheld, and a quirky law overturned.

Throughout America, and the world, there exist thousands of odd, quirky and just plain freaky laws that make very little sense as to why they exist in the first place. Usually, the law comes from one specific court case where something weird happened and so the weird behavior was banned. Most of these laws are outmoded and completely ignored. If they were ever tried, more likely than not they would be overturned. For example, in many states in the U.S., atheism is illegal. If this was ever tried, the Supreme Court would overturn it immediately. So, although the laws have little effect, guessing what bizarre event lead to the law’s conception is the whole fun of knowing quirky laws. Here are some freaky laws from my home state and the cities in and around it.

In California
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

In Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

In Baldwin Park – Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

In Chico – Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.

In Chico (again) – Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

In El Monte – Pinball machines are outlawed, as well as mock horse racing games.

In Eureka – A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

In Fresno – No one may annoy a lizard in a city park.

In Glendale – A person must be 18 years old to buy a wax container.

In Hollywood – It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

In Indian Wells – It is illegal for a trumpet player to play his instrument with the intention of luring someone to a store. In Indian Wells (again) – Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited.

In Los Angeles- It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

In Los Angeles County – It is illegal to set metal balloons afloat in the air.

In Norco – All persons wishing to keep a rhinoceros as a pet must obtain a $100 license first.

In Pacific Grove – It is illegal to molest butterflies.

In Palm Springs – It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

In Pasadena – It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

In Redlands – Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

In Riverside – One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

In Walnut – Kites may not be flown above 10 feet over the ground.

In Walnut (again) – Children may not wear a Halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.

In Walnut (one more time) – Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff.

These laws are not limited to California. In Auburn, Alabama any man who has sex with a virgin girl, regardless of age or marital status, can be sentenced to five years in prison. In New Jersey, it’s illegal to pump your own gas and in Kentucky, you may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.
In France you can’t wear religious symbols in any public school. In some Middle Eastern countries women aren’t allowed to drive and in Manila, only royalty can drive maroon cars. So, although California is known as a bizarre state, what with the fakeness of Hollywood and decadence of San Francisco, people should know that bizarre stuff happens all across this wide, magnificent world.

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How To Deck Out Your Dorm With Damn Good Decore

August 7, 2008 at 8:14 pm · Filed under cool, list

The dorms are a new experience for a lot of students. Its chance to have freedom from their parents and the ability to decorate their room how they like, except for the ability to paint their walls or slam nails into them either. Here are some suggestions as to what to put in your room and some fantastic places to get them. They may not all be available to students on a tight budget, but maybe overtime work or begging your parents can help you acquire these items.

Lava Lamps - ($15-$25) Lava Lamps are an interesting technology involving transparent oil and translucent wax in a glass bottle that gets hot by resting on top of a light bulb. The end result is an awesomely psychedelic affect that’s totally trippy when you’re burnt out from hours of studying. You can find them at most novelty stores and a good online site is www.simply70s.com, in the Lava Lamp section.

Posters – ($5-$35) What is a dorm room without posters? It’s empty and lame, that’s what it is. Unless you’re some minimalist or puritan, white boring walls are not conducive for a fun college experience. Got a favorite movie? The almost defiantly have a poster about it. Fight Club, Lord of the Rings, Johnny Deep and Angelina Jolie can now be a few inches away from your fingertips, in paper form that is. You can order any number of posters at www.allposters.com.

Mini-fridge- ($100-$300) While they are a little pricey they can also be a useful tool for keeping the thieves and moochers you live with away from your precious soda and freezer food. They can also be excellent space savers. They make great surfaces for televisions, phones or laptops. Also, you can now be so lazy on your weekends that you don’t even need to leave your room except to use the bathroom. Office Depot and CostCo both have a good variety of mini-fridges at reasonable prices.

Christmas lights – ($2-$10) They aren’t just for the holiday season anymore. Christmas lights can provide a nice environment and ambiance for the tired or people looking for romantic interludes. The multiple colors and soft light also make for great nightlights for those who are afraid of the dark. Also, most Christmas lights have a socket at the end that allows for more electronics, such as phone chargers, to have a place to be plugged in.

Beanbag chairs – ($55-$105)Bean Bag Chairs are the quintessential 60s hippy living room furniture and, if you have the space, can be a great addition to your dorm room that both you and your roomie can utilize. It makes the room look more fun, less Spartan and just a better place to learn and enjoy your hopefully short time at this university. You can find good ones are www.thebeanbagchairoutlet.com

Shelves – ($40-$100) In a tiny room like those in a dorm, space is important. You’re already living with someone in a tiny place smaller than your bedroom at home, so making sure you have room to hang out, sleep, read and relax is very important. Pick up some dark wood shelves if your going for an elegant look, or fun metal shelves if you want that neo-techno look. A place for shelves or almost any other dorm feature is www.dormbuys.com.
Smart people books - ($5-$30) Depending on the person you are trying to impress, books that make you look intelligent may help get them to warm up to you. My suggestions are The Stranger by Albert Camus, The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith, Don Quixote de la Mancha by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Six Easy Pieces by Richard P. Feynman, or The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (as long as the person you are trying to court isn’t religious.) You can find these, and many other smart people books, at www.barnesandnobel.com.

Bettie Page calendars – ($14) Bettie Page, the sex icon of 50s, looks great when animated by the classic pin-up artist Olivia, and these calendars are a dozen of her beautiful works. A girl with a Bettie Page pin-up calendar gives of a cute sort of kinky vibe to the guys who want to get with her .A guy with a Bettie Page calendar will get to have pictures of a hot chick on the wall, but still have that touch of class. It is art after all. The 2007 calendar can be found at www.calendars.com.

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STOP THE INSANITY

August 7, 2008 at 8:09 pm · Filed under odd, personal

A non-in-depth look into the current century’s really big problem that might be solved if people listen to me

I am currently fighting a one-man war against the old adage that it?s cute for two ugly people to get together. I like happiness. Its nice when people are happy, but we have to always be wary of the looming consequences. Sure we?ll all be happier if they spiked the water, air, the earth itself with mood enhancing drugs, but that would be disastrous for civilization and the nations biggest providers of cyanide pills.

When an ugly person?s DNA and another ugly person?s DNA mingle in that fluid strewn process of love, they create an ugly child. Now, you may think, ?What?s one more ugly person?? Before you go down that road, go to any crowded place and look around. Unless you?re in super awesome happy land, there will be ugly people around, lots of ugly people. In fact, ugly people are the majority in this city, state, country, and the damn planet too. If procreation occurs, it will take place in astonishing numbers. Please, I warn you to not make any attempts to visualize this process.

?But hey,? you might say, ?attractive people will just reproduce faster, everyone likes reproducing with attractive people? This is a logical fallacy, because it fails to take into account the momentous power of alcohol. Yes, the fermented sugars of such plants as grapes, potatoes, and the occasional carrot are a powerful tool in the evil ugly person conspiracy.

Hah, but I exaggerate. They are not evil. They are stupid. No, being ugly doesn?t make you stupid. The majority of people are stupid and the majority are ugly, so you?re going to see a lot of stupid ugly people, with a few glints of that inner beauty stuff that they make lame movies about. The ugly people, usually stupid, do not realize the plague that they are well plaguing upon humanity. This plaguing plague will only accelerate with time. I won?t be able to explain exponential growth at this moment, because most likely you are stupid and maybe ugly. However, I am sure that I am not committing the cardinal sin of insulting one?s audience, because you disgusting freaks think very highly of yourself, believing that you are above the filthy sea of ugly people and perhaps part of the attractive elite. Fine, live in your delusion. Just stay away from my secret bunker and my women, the attractive ones. And for the sake of all that is splendid, stop with the lovemaking. It only brings horror upon horror on top of a different horror or sometimes in the next room across from horror, which is sharing that room with terror, but terror snores and horror is even more horrible, which is really bad.

FYI: Don’t do a GIS for ugly people… you find them… *shudder*

Guest article written by Lev

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Three Sex Gadgets From The Future

August 7, 2008 at 7:58 pm · Filed under list, odd, scary, sex

The Orgasm Gauntlet


Made of sleek, polished chrome, the OG is a metal glove with vibrating fingertips and an energy-pulser than can put waves of pleasure pressure on the nether parts while vibrating the surrounding areas. Women will reach climax just at the sight of it, and it makes the masturbation even more fun.

WARNING: The Orgasm Gauntlet was reverse-engineered from alien weapon technology. The vibrating fingers were used to cause earthquakes in solid buildings and the energy-pulser was used to shoot blasts of energy through concrete. If used improperly, or even properly in a few tragic cases, the Orgasm Gauntlet could lead to gentile mutilation, or total destruction of inner organs.

Nano-Tech Sex Gel


Rub this sensual gel all over your lover’s body, and watch the tiny nano-particles massage their skin from a microscopic porous level. The feeling is unlike anything else, and can bring most people to climax within minutes. One of the greatest sex-ventions ever.

WARNING: Occasionally, the nano-bots re-program themselves, by no faults of our own, and invade the body of the people they are spread on through their pores. Often, this invasion leads to the nano-bots taking over the host’s mind, making them kill thousands of people, and reproducing internally, leading to mass-devastation in the surrounding communities. Caution with Nano-tech Sex Gel is advised.

The Sex Gun

Shoots a beam of patented Climacto-waves that can bring a person to crippling climax from up to 100 yards. This can be a lot of fun for parties, or a very sexy version of romantic laser tag with your partner. Remember to keep it lively in the bedroom, and the Sex Gun is the way to go.

WARNING: Only the SEX Gun can bring distant people to orgasm. Real guns will could to death and/or murder charges. ALSO: Do not use sex gun in traffic, as it will lead to collisions and multiple accidents. ALSO: Do not shoot Sex Gun into anyone’s eyes, as the Climacto-Beam will cause retinas to explode. ALSO: When it was said it delivers a “crippling” climax, in a few rare cases the orgasm has actually crippled the victim. Use with caution.

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My Unsuccessful Run For Student Government

August 6, 2008 at 1:12 am · Filed under personal, politics

I unsuccessfully ran for student government twice and I wasn’t trying to lose. It was an embarrassing defeat. The problem was that my political base was too broad and too many people liked me.

Actually, it was the exact opposite of my previous statement. It was hard to get my name out there. All the letters, and they had to be in the right order. My crew couldn’t shoulder that responsibility. Half of them were retards who wore football helmets to school so they wouldn’t get hurt and the other half forgot theirs at home.

I was tardy for speech day and absent on makeup speech day. During election day, I kept screaming at my opponent that I’ll be the bigger man and call it a draw, but the response was always the same: “That doesn’t make sense” and, “You should have tried harder if you wanted to win.”

NO! YOU should try harder at failing! Then I won’t have to try. But you’re just too lazy!” I said, while I pushed her or harassed her sexually as the principal later told my parents.

I’m a political animal damn it! People need to listen to me rant and pretend to be interested. So at my high school reunion, I passed out ballots that only had my name on them. I won. I scored more votes than any president, Jesus, Black Jesus, or anybody.

Then, I got my cat elected using the same methods. Boy, was he happy that day. No beatings AND a vice-presidential position. If I had only remembered to feed him, it’d have been the best day in his life. It wasn’t, he died. So, Vote for me! For everything but Miss America. I’m too fat.

Guest Article written by Lev

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What If?… Dean had won the 2004 Presidential Nomination

August 4, 2008 at 7:49 pm · Filed under politics

Breaking News: Tapes have just surfaced that show a younger Howard Dean, Presidential hopeful, molesting a bovine multiple times. These videos are very graphic and we ask parents to escort children out of the room.

(Video footage plays)

FOX Newscaster: Hello Mr. Donaldson.
Donaldson: Hi, I’m glad to be here.
FOX Newscaster: Now, you’re an expert on sexual dysfunction. Could you care to share your feelings on Howard Dean.
Donaldson: Yes, Dean seems to have a great psychological aberrancy, stemming from either a small penis or deep-rooted attraction to his mother. He is filling in this sexual void through these bovine encounters.
FOX Newscaster: Fascinating, thank you for being here.

FOX Newscaster: Now we have through satellite a reaction from Dean himself:
Dean: This is all crazy. Why are you doing this?
FOX Newscaster: These are very serious charges. How do you defend yourself?
Dean: I was in college…
FOX Newscaster: So you’re saying this was a juvenile indiscretion?
Dean: Let me finish. I was working on my doctorate and took a few veterinary classes to fill up my schedule. So, I helped milk a cow and my friend asked me to help out with a delivery later.
FOX Newscaster: So you admit to physically stimulating the cow’s genitalia? Dean: What? No! I mean, What?
FOX Newscaster: You have also been linked with a primate named Dede. Can you elaborate on the relationship?
Dean: I took a behavior science class that involved a chimp. Is that what you’re talking about?
FOX Newscaster: Did the monkey ask you to touch it?
Dean: No, its an ape. They don’t even have the proper vocal cords.
FOX Newscaster: So did it or didn’t it?
Dean: I’ve heard enough; turn this off!
FOX Newscaster: Well thank you anyway for telling us your side of the story, now we go to see how our honored President responds to these unsettling allegations.

Bush : Some people say I look like I chimp, but I know for a fact I don’t. ‘Cause Dean never came on to me. I mean he shook my hand, not my crotch.

FOX Newscaster: Hmm, he really cuts the issue right down to its core. Well we’ll be back in a minute with our expose “Is your milk save from the probing hands of the Democratic Party”

(Commercials)

FOX Newscaster: We have to hold off our investigative reporting on the health-related consequences of Dean’s sexual debauchery. There is a new breaking story straight from the news-wire. Records indicate that on several occasions, Dean had been seen touching and, at times, mutilating dead bodies with medical instruments. We have an exclusive interview with Benjamin Cohen, Dean’s previous colleague.
Ben: Hi, I wasn’t told what this is about. Why am I here again?
FOX Newscaster: Well, we want to get to the heart of this scandal. Have you ever seen Dean handle a corpse?
Ben: Oh yeah sure, we all had to, to get our medical license.
FOX Newscaster: Right well, do you know for a fact that Dean touched a corpse?
Ben: Uh, yeah.
FOX Newscaster: A female corpse?
Ben: Yes.
FOX Newscaster: A naked female corpse?
Ben: What are you implying?
FOX Newscaster: Were you and Dean also naked at the time?
Ben: Excuse me?!
FOX Newscaster: Oh, I’m sorry we ran out of time. Thank you for coming.

FOX Newscaster: In related news, our latest poll indicates that 20% of Americans believe that corpse desecration is their number one concern up from 0% last year. Here’s some public opinions on the subject.

Mary Owens: I’m a mother of three and if my kid dies, I know for a fact that I wouldn’t want Dean touching them.

Albert Ridley: The thought of Dean prowling the cemeteries in search of my loved ones, scares the hell out of me.

Tina Mathews: First it was the cows, then the chimps, and now this! When will his evil rampage end? Francis Colly: I hate that carcass fu**er. Can I say carcass fu**er? No? Okay sorry.

FOX Newscaster: That’s it for today. Stay tuned for more breaking news from Fox, the fair and balanced news channel you can trust.

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