DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Secretary of State: This position is fourth in line for the presidency. So I would love to see Clinton here. Bill, I mean. He was awesome! Huge surplus, incredible national security, amazing rapport. And, I know that he is constitutionally ineligible, but this is my FANTASY cabinet, so shut up.

Secretary of Treasury: For the treasury you need someone who is good with keeping money and dealing with finance, so I’d like to go with my dad. Seriously, the man has a perfect credit score, he keeps records of damn-near everything, and I know he wouldn’t be liberal with American money because the bastard only gave me a $5 a week allowance! Have you ever tried to live on $5 a week? Or even a day?! Goddamn it… Even when America would ask for money my Dad would say “look, I know you want to take France out on a fancy date, but you need to learn the value of the dollar!” then he would ground me. I mean America. Or whatever. What was I talking about?

Secretary of Defense: This one’s easy. Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predatory (I think his name was Alan “Dutch” Schaefer.) I mean he could hold a huge machine gun with one hand, clear an entire Guatemalan village of guerrilla terrorists, stop an evil, technologically advanced super-alien armed with a nuke using only a homemade bow and arrow. Holy crap. I want to clone him 15 times and put him in every cabinet position. Okay, okay, calm down. I would have actually gone with the predator, but I don’t support his pro-nuke stance.

Attorney General: Alan Shore from Boston Legal. He is a brilliant attorney who almost never looses unless it makes the episode more emotionally poignant. Also, his close relationship with the former time-traveling captain of a spaceship could give us the technological boost America needs to keep ahead of the commies in the space race. Did any of what I just said make sense?

Secretary of the Interior: I have no idea what this position is responsible for, or what the person who fills the position does. I think it has to do with parks or something. All I know is the person who has the position right now is naked Dirk Kempthorne, and with an awesome name like that, I’ll just have him stay.

Secretary of Agriculture: Demeter, Greek God of the bountiful harvest. Hell, she taught humans how to grow and cultivate food, and apparently she’s really good at making it grow. Why not just cut out the middleman and give control of our agriculture right to a powerful super-being? It’s either than or ConAgra.

Secretary of Commerce: The point of the commerce position is to foster international trade. For this reason id like to see Tony Montana here. Sure, most of the international trade he deals with is between the United States and Columbia, but that counts. Also, he doesn’t take sh*t from no one. And, according to the most famous quote from his film he has a good relationship with dwarfs. I would bet cash money 50% of you won’t get that joke.

Secretary of Labor: Upton Sinclair is the obvious choice. Sure, he’s dead. Sure, he’s a socialist. But his work revolutionized the labor industry and he seems to actually care about workers when no one else in America does.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: I don’t know about the Human Services part, but Gregory House would be the perfect choice for the Health part. He’s a loose cannon doctor who plays by his own rules, of which he only has one: He has no rules. And, if you replaced the word doctor with the word cop, you’d have every police TV show from the ‘70s.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Famous developer Rick Caruso, who is the mastermind behind The Grove and The Americana malls would be my pick. He could switch out all the Freeways for trolley car rails and everyone could live inside over-priced clothing boutiques and Mac stores. That’s the world I some day want to live in.

Secretary of Transportation: Originally I was going to say Optimus Prime. After all, he’s a super intelligent inter-space robot who is also a FUCKING CAR! But, you need to appoint at least one minority to a cabinet position so I’ll go with the offensively, stereotypically ‘black’ Transformer Jazz.

Secretary of Energy: Raiden. Again, he is an immortal god with no particular affinity for the human race, but he can shoot lighting from his hands. He seems like someone who would know how to find cheap energy sources (i.e. his hands.) Nicola Tesla was also considered, but he’s a little nuts.

Secretary of Education: Who’s that lady who taught Helen Keller? Yeah, her.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Arnold Schwarzenegger from Commando. Look, I know Arnold can’t be for every position, but this one is good too. After coming home from the horrors of war, who would be better? Who knows more about how the common soldier feels? What do you mean ‘anyone’?

Secretary of Homeland Security: Ha! You thought I was going to say Schwarzenegger again didn’t you? Well, I was. But I think it would go better to Harrison Ford in 1992. He played Jack Ryan, who constantly defended America from terrorists. Sure, in 1992 they were Irish terrorists, which doesn’t really count right now, but whatever! Ford kicks ass.