Soldier Kicked Out Of Military For "Liking Dudes"
Artist’s depiction of Killmaster
“This is ridiculous,” said Killmaster when reached for comment. “I’ve served my country for two decades. I have never done anything that was unprofessional or damaging to the military’s progress. I have killed for this country, taken bullets for this country, assassinated world leaders for this count-… actually; don’t put in that last part. Anyway, this is just unacceptable!”
In Killmaster’s impressive military history, he has 407 confirmed kills, 295 so-called “don’t tell anyone about this” kills, and has lead top-secret combat teams into hostile territories including Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Canada, Vietnam, Afghanistan and The Moon.
“Look, I know he’s an American hero and all, but come on. The guy likes other dudes. DUDES!” said Maginnis at a press conference. “I mean, that just doesn’t make sense!”
Supporters of Killmaster have rallied around him, protesting his firing. They have held vigils and protests across the nation and are quick to point out Killmaster’s numerous other talents that make him an invaluable asset to America’s safety.
Artist’s depiction of Killmaster
“Not only does he have bio-enhanced robotic combat arms, but he is also fluent in 25 languages!” said Mary Worthing, a long time friend of Killmaster. “Including four Arabic dialects, Esperanto, and Moon-ese.” Moon-ese of course being the language spoken by the secret terrorists on the Moon.
“Yes, Okay, I understand,” responded Maginnis.
“He is a perfect soldier, he can speak any language we need him to, he is invaluable as both a warrior and intelligence gatherer and he is highly trained in diplomacy and negotiations. Also, he has served on every single top-secret branch of the military we have. But come on! He likes DUDES!”
Artist’s depiction of Killmaster
The military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which was, in part, crafted by Maginnis, has come under fire recently when National Guard soldier Dan Choi, another soldier fluent in Arabic, was also discharged for being gay. Recently, Choi wrote a letter to the president, pleading for the decision to be overturned.
Killmaster has chosen to go a similar route as Choi, and has written a heart-felt letter to President Obama, demanding to be let back into the army and threatening, “I know where you live.”
President Obama has responded by throwing his hands up in the air, spinning around like a whirlwind throwing money at everyone. He then began sobbing while crying, “this isn’t what I wanted” and then buried his head in a whole he had dug in the White House lawn.
“He’s damned if he does, and he’s damned if he doesn’t,” said Vice President Biden, explaining Obama’s behavior. “
So he’s just going to pretend none of it is happening.”
Killmaster, having explored all options, has decided to take his years of military experience terrifying training, and emotional scarring and go up to a small wood cottage he owns in the mountains. He will then amass a ridiculous number of guns, gallons of gasoline and raw fertilizer. After this, it is presumed nothing bad will ever happen.
Artist’s depiction of Killmaster
On an adrenaline rush from firing two gay soldiers in the same month, officials in the army have decided to expand the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
“From now on, we will have a much wider definition of ‘telling’,” said Maginnis. “Soldiers will be fired for having any Amy Man or Celine Dion records, if they have ever watched more then three Episodes of Sex and The City, or if they have exceptionally striking features.”
Maginnis continued, “We can’t let gays into the military. Soon they will be all up on the other soldiers. And who can blame them? All muscular and sweaty. Haven’t seen a woman in months. Young, nubile…”
Maginnis then just sort of trailed off silently staring in the back on the room while slowly rubbing his pecks. Finally, a reporter coughed awkwardly and Maginnis ran from the podium crying.
*This article was originally published in my Drinking The Kool-Aid column in the University Times newspaper. Visit us at www.coolstatela.com.
George Washington – Day 34 - Killed a swarm of bears with his own two hands, and a hand he borrowed from his neighbor that he has sewn onto his chest. That third hand wielded a hatchet and did most of the work. Bears swarm right? 
Thomas Jefferson – Day 66 – Propose
Andrew Jackson – Day 14 – Challenged three political enemies, eight random passersby and a statue of John Adams to a duel. He shot and killed all of them. Including the statue.
James Buchanan – Day 45 – Known as the ‘bachelor’ president, Buchanan moved in with his totally platonic man friend, and nothing controversial happened. Don’t ask, don’t tell.
Theodore Roosevelt – Day 82 – Got into a laser gun fight with a thirty foot robot. Why didn’t you hear about it? It happened in the future! 
William Howard Taft – Day 3 – Ate an entire cow. One whole cow. He was a big fella, is my point.
John F. Kennedy – Day 1 – Had sweaty, passionate sex with at least three different women, one of whom was Marilyn Monroe.
Richard Nixon – Day 12 – Just said “screw it, who cares?” and then ate a puppy.
