Historic ‘First 100 Days’ From Previous Administrations

May 1, 2009 at 3:51 am · Filed under Zach Seemayer, faux news, list, odd, politics

Obama’s first 100 days in office are up, and according to CNN, FOX, MSNBC, ABC, CSPAN, and every other news network, this is apparently a historic landmark and not just an attempt to fill their copious amounts of empty air time. In this time, Obama has decided to close Guantanamo, reverse the ban on stem cell research and has basically spent this whole time undoing the last 8 years, which is nice.

On the whole, it seems like it’s been a pretty successful first 100 days. Now that this milestone is reached, Obama can just coast for the next 3 and a half years. Many presidents strived to make their first 100 days something memorable and not all have made it so. Here is a list of interesting events that have taken place in our previous presidents’ first 100 days.

George Washington – Day 34 - Killed a swarm of bears with his own two hands, and a hand he borrowed from his neighbor that he has sewn onto his chest. That third hand wielded a hatchet and did most of the work. Bears swarm right?

Thomas Jefferson – Day 66 – Proposed the ill-fated “You-can’t-marry-your-slave girls-unless-they-are-just-crazy-hot” law.

Andrew Jackson – Day 14 – Challenged three political enemies, eight random passersby and a statue of John Adams to a duel. He shot and killed all of them. Including the statue.

William Henry Harrison – Day 31 – Died. Because of this, the rest of his 100 days were taken over by John Tyler, who turned out to actually just be a sack of potatoes with googley eyes glued on the front.

James K. Polk – Day 1 – No one is sure if Polk was ever actually president.


James Buchanan – Day 45 – Known as the ‘bachelor’ president, Buchanan moved in with his totally platonic man friend, and nothing controversial happened. Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Abraham Lincoln – Day 40 – I don’t know. Something to do with the start of some war or something.

Theodore Roosevelt – Day 82 – Got into a laser gun fight with a thirty foot robot. Why didn’t you hear about it? It happened in the future!


William Howard Taft – Day 3 – Ate an entire cow. One whole cow. He was a big fella, is my point.

Woodrow Wilson – Day 60 – Set the world record for most racial slurs ever yelled aloud during an international summit.


John F. Kennedy – Day 1 – Had sweaty, passionate sex with at least three different women, one of whom was Marilyn Monroe.

John F. Kennedy – Day 2 – 100 – See: Day 1.

Richard Nixon – Day 12 – Just said “screw it, who cares?” and then ate a puppy.


George Bush – Day 1 – 100 – Spent most of his time ignoring very specific threats to America’s safety and security. This one isn’t a joke.

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