DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticip

ated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.

Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”

Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!” 

Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like

For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.

“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”

The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.

“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”

Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.

“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”

When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying  and jumped out it dorm window.

Yeah, they really did that.

Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.

“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”

No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.

In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticipated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.

Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”

Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!” 

Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like

For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.

“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”

The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.

“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”

Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.

“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”

When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying  and jumped out it dorm window.

Yeah, they really did that.

Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.

“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”

No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.

In a daring move by the American Psychiatric Association, they have created a new religion known as Psychotology, to contend with the amount of crazy generated by their bitter nemesis, the Church of Scientology.

They want to keep all of that except the ‘Science Based’ part.

The APA said their bravery was bolstered by the recent declaration by Wikipedia officials that bans any Scientology official from editing Wikipedia pages about the Church of Scientology. The APA has taken this hit and run with it, creating ‘Psychotology.’

Psychotology is a multi-tiered “educational training system” that encourages the practices of past-life exploration, peer counseling, and a hierarchy system that shows your rank in the church increase as you spend more money and convert more people. But they have also decided to craft a back story that gives Scientology a run for its money.

According to the newly “found” books of Psychotology, 11 trillion years ago, the planet was molded out of “life clay” by a giant inter-dimensional being known as “Zorg” who looks like a giant cloud with a thousand indescribable faces. Once creating Earth, or “Gleg’Ork” as Zorg called it, he captured a huge number of insects from a dimension that only he knew about. He threw those insects onto the planet, and then used them for slave labor. Their sweat filled our oceans, and their cries of anguish still resonate across the planet. Thos “evil vibrations” affect our blood and our mind, and they are the source of all our sadness and illnesses.

Meet Zorg. He was apparently a dick. Not a big surprise really..

“You have no idea how hard it was to come up with stuff crazy enough to compete with Scientology,” said Dr. Mary Steiner, co-founder of the Church of Psychotology. “I mean, they had some real good crazy going on there. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to live up to their insanity standards. I think we did a damn good job though.”

The main difference between the churches is that while Scientology is against psychology, and doesn’t believe medical drugs can be effective, instead insisting upon exercise and vitamins, Psychotology believes in moderate use of psychologically helpful drugs, and a healthy diet of vitamins and exercise.

“Were still freaking doctors,” said Steiner. “We don’t want people hooked on drugs. Were not monsters. We were worried about scientology hurting people. Those idiots don’t even believe in schizophrenia. SCHIZOPHRENIA!! Its a real thing! How do you not believe in proven medical science? That’s just nuts!”

According to Steiner, the Psychotology was created for people who still wanted that hint of crazy in their lives, but needed medical drugs to keep from dying.

“This Psychotology nonsense is ridiculous,” said Karl Walters, a Scientology official. “Giant inter-dimensional monsters? Their crying echoes giving us sadness? We all know sadness is created by alien ghosts living in our blood. These people are stupid. Also, I hear they are all criminals who molest children and eat babies. What are their crimes? What are YOUR crimes?!!”

As of press time, most Psychotology officials have made a number of Kevlar Vest purchases, and have all received permits to carry hand guns, just incase any retribution is sought.

Marcus DeAngelo, a street mime living in Paris, has been arrested after his imaginary shooting rampage failed to actually harm anyone.

Witnesses of the imaginary catastrophe report seeing DeAngelo holding his hands up, as if he were gripping the handles of two pistols, and his index fingers pulling imaginary triggers. According to one witness, DeAngelo was a wonderful mime and even mimicked the recoil real pistols would make.

“It was very entertaining, and entrancing,” said Ruper Carson, 23, a tourist from England who witnessed the imaginary mass-murder. “He was prancing around, diving, shooting his imaginary guns, strafing and taking cover. It would have been beautifully magical if, ya know, he wasn’t mimicking trying to kill us all. He really was talented though.”

Fellow witness Whitney Andrews, 30, a tourist from America, disagreed. “I have always fucking hated mimes. And this only makes it worse! Mimes suck.”

According to police, they threw DeAngelo into a real cell that had imaginary bars.

“Due to a construction complication, we have yet to install the bars,” said Capt. Emile Rabalias, “We just told him there were there, and he has been clanging an imaginary metal cup across them all day. If either the cup or the bars were real, it would be incredibly annoying.”

Police are only holding DeAngelo for a few days, as they have yet to figure out what to charge him with.