DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

NOTE: These posts were twittered live during the Oscars. These are the better selections out of a massive flood of tweets I sent out. Enjoy

Cannot wait to see Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin pretend to hate each other for three hours. Its been the only good parts of SNL in a decade

i know nph is gay but that suits a little on the nose isnt it?

lots of Nazi referances this year. wow.

how is penelopes accent so damn thick? ive heard her talk sort of normal in a lot of movies. cant she just fake it.dont get me wrong its hot

plummer talking about anti government manifestos is creepy in light of recent events.

obviously waltz was going to win. you can see how much better he was just from the clips. my god.

its weird to see someone really good like Steve carell next to someone who cant barely talk like cameran diaz.

ed asner is a god among old men.

i hope randy Newman splits the yearly randy Newman vote and doesnt win. family guy got it right with him.

really? the hurt locker had a better script than basterds?? thats fucktarded.

does Sam Jackson have a product placement deal with kangol?

i saw logorama at Sundance and it totally deserved to win. it was incredible. im amazed it hasnt been sued into non-existance.

Ben stiller is actuallly really good tonight. i like awkward tention. also i like painted face hair.

star trek deserves best makeup just for how fucking hot they made that green alien whore. i mean green alien slut. sorry.

if there was any justice in the world at all In The Loop would win. funniest movie of 09 next to black dynamite.

wow, robin Williams going blue with the comedy. good job. ball holding is not usually a Oscar ceremony topic.

Ana Kendrick deserves to win. she took a regular character and made it fascinating. thats a difficult challenge.

i stand by my opinion that anyone who was in soul plane should not be allowed to win an Oscar.

“okay guys moniqe won. cut to random shots of any black actors or people in the audience. get me blacks!!”

avatar gets art direction? did it even have any real sets? wtf?

really costume lady? you already have two you say? go fuck yourself. see if you win anymore after thiss one.

im a little late on this but i think its funny that they called Sarah Parker a clothes horse. given how she is already a regular horse.

they would respect horror more if they still made ammazing horror movies. almost every example was from 20+ years ago.

im glad they are doing a piece on sound design. no one ever notices sound. im glad its kind of getting its due.

feel sick that people can now say ‘academy award nominated film transformers: revenge of the fallen.”

i think its awesome that John Travolta wouldnt have any career without tarantino.

how can it be considered cinematography when 90% wasnt even shot, just made on a computer. thats crap.

if avatar hadnt won best special effects, everyone would have combusted instantaneously.

im glad the cove won. we might get the chance to screen it at CSULA. no promises though.

wow the hurt locker is cleaning up. i wonder whose going to win director. gee, who could it possibly be?

boo!!! a prophet should have won! it was a gritty french goodfellas! screw this Oscar crap.

almodovars ‘broken embraces’ should have been nominated for best foreign film.

for the first time ever Julian Moore looks fucktastically hot.

thank god Jeff won that. he has deserved it for every damn movie hes ever been in even iron man. he is the worlds best.

i think Jeff bridges just stayed in the dude character for the rest of his life. or maybe he just smokes truckloads of weed.

i dont care what anyone says, Helen mirren is a total GILF.

wow carey mulligan can really pull off the short hair look. my god. id like to give her some sex education if you know what i mean. oh wait, thats the whole point of ‘an education’? so its a bad metaphore? goddamn it.

two things: Penn always dresses like a poor private detective. and also wtf is he rambling about?

where does Sandra Bullock buy her clown/whore lipstick?

Bullock gave a great acceptance speech. it was beautiful. its just too bad she didnt deserve to win. thats all.

im not a huge hurt locker fan but good job for breaking down that door. mary haron should have won for American psycho but im happy for her

almost no real surprises this year. basterds should have won. she should have gotten director but basterds was better.

even tho avatar didnt win any of the big ones it still made 600 million billion dollars. its still the year of avatar.

All I ever hear about on CNN and ABC and CSPAN and especially FOX is how wonderful other cultures and languages are, and how limited and juvenile American English is. The other day, my English “teacher” told that that English is derived from German, and is therefore “not a romance language.” That offends me to my very patriotic core. So what if it’s “linguistically accurate”? I know English is a romance language, because when I hear it I get turned on. I’m aroused most of the time, and this can be the only explanation. Anyway, when I told this to my teacher he became “uncomfortable” and had campus security escort me out.

Anyway, all of this is not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am here to give the English language a little boost. I always hear that other languages have words so complex that simply can’t be translated into English. For example, the Eskimos have 9000 words for snow, some only one letter long; others take entire pages to spell. This is why the English language is wonderful in my opinion. While they have one word meaning “thin snow” and another meaning “fluffy snow” we simply have the word “snow” and then adjectives to get the same god damn point across if it’s necessary. Usually, it’s not necessary. Who the fuck lives in snow now days? Eskimos? That’s because those people are sadly retarded. Want to know how I know that? They need 9000 words for frozen water.

Look, here is what I’m trying to get to, using my mastery of the English language, I have discarded all of it and just decided to make up random words that I have arbitrarily invented and only loosely have a connection to any form of oral communication. So, without further ado, 10 definitions to complex words I’ve made up and are too complex to be translated to any other language.

Tavernition [Tav-ern-ish-on]- The feeling of foreboding when you know you’ll be hitting the bars and only bad things are to follow when you start drinking.

Knarcking [Nar-king]- Rough sex that accidentally leads to a stripper’s death, even if a stripper wasn’t involved in the sex.

Shegars [She-gars]- Fruit-flavored cigars or cigarellos that are only smoked by women and gay men.

Shood [Shoe-d]- Food with absolutely NO nutritional value and is so hedonistic that it seems ridiculous i.e.-Taco Bell Famous Bowls.

Vokanger [Vo-cane-gar]- An intense rage directed at all around you due to the stupidity of your bosses at work.

Ubbered [Eww-burred]- boredom unlike any other, caused by having a class with a mono-tone teacher who specializes in a topic no one could ever care about even if they were paid to care. And, like, paid a lot.

Jankered [Jane-kurd]- When a girl is obsessed with you, and makes sure you never leave her side. Like “whipped”, but she uses violence instead of her Wang Polisher.

Gknawgina [Naw-gy-nah]- A painfully tight vagina, that feels like it’s biting down on your knob. Often found in virgins, anorexic girls and aliens from the planet SEX.* NASA wasn’t too creative with that one.

Gleeb [Glee-b]- A wet, disgusting, explosive sneeze, often used to spread disease.

Spricks- [Spuh-ricks]- Unbelievably stupid jackasses. Super Pricks. They are the guys who try to steal your girlfriend. While you are there. While you are having sex with her. They don’t care. Also, the same guys who used to spit milk in the weak kids face and then spread rumors he had splooge on his face. Sure, they are funny. But they need to be castrated for the good of the world.

I know it’s only the first day, but we have a pop quiz already. Don’t worry, its only one question.

#1. If you are at Sundance, and some drunk guy thinks you are the star of a movie that premiered there, and wants him and all his buddies (including some awesome hot chicks) to take pictures with you, do you:

A) Say “Nope, that’s not me sir. You must be mistaken.”

B) Say “Yes”

C) Say “Hell yes I’m the star of that movie, and yes you can take pictures with me,” because that is fucking hilarious/awesome.

D) Obviously B and C

In case you were wondering the answer is anything other than A.

Let me tell you about an inspiring story. It will inspire you to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Here is a friend of mine named Logan Noh.

Hello Logan

While at Sundance with Logan and some classmates, we went to the official Sundance after party. After it was over (it ended at midnight exactly by the way. Even my fucking high school prom ended at 1:30) we all decided to take pictures in front of the Sundance promo backdrop.

This is when a loud, very drunk Sundance-goer made up his mind that Logan must have been the star of a movie that was debuting at Sundance called Enter The Void.

Nathaniel Brown. I can see the resemblance I guess.

Because Logan is awesome as fuck, he agreed that he was, in fact, the star of Enter The Void.

That man is drunk incarnate.

As soon as the word got out that the star of Enter The Void was at the party, dozens of drunken partiers began lining up to take pictures with the supposed celebrity. Even some incredibly hot women.

Pimpin’

Here is the lesson for the day: If someone mistakes you for a celebrity, fucking go with it! There is nothing but good things that come to a movie star, including free food, good drugs and hot dames.

So, for example, if you look like Joseph Gordon Levitt, and a super-hot waitress thinks your Joseph Gordon Levitt, you fucking keep telling people that you are Joseph Gordon Levitt. God damn it.

THE HANGOVER

A tale of friends trying to figure out their lives together in a foreign place against incredible odds is not a new tale. This time it just happens to involve buckets full of alcohol, a tiger, a former boxer, a naked Chinese mobster, a startlingly hot Heather Grahame, impromptu dental surgery, tasers, a stolen police car and a lost baby. Comedies have been nominated before (see Annie Hall) but it has been a long time. If the Academy wanted to really reach out past the high-brow pompous air is has right now, The Hangover would be a good way to do that.

MOON

Sam Rockwell is an acting god, and in this film he gets to play every role, except for that of a friendly computer. The tale of sadness, homesickness and isolation seems perfect Academy fare, but I guess it’s budget wasn’t huge enough to get it recognized. The main reason I want the film nominated is because David Bowie’s kid Zowie Bowie wrote and directed the thing, and I just want more opportunities to say “Zowie Bowie.”

500 DAYS OF SUMMER

Not to bring up Annie Hall over and over, but this movie is like the hip quirky version, and somehow just as depressing. Any movie that can so accurately depict how even the best relationships can quickly burn out and turn your life into a nightmarishly depressing hellscape deserves to be nominated. The Academy loves movies with hopelessness with a silver lining.

IN THE LOOP

It is hard to have a political movie in this day and age that doesn’t try to shove some specific agenda down your throat. In The Loop doesn’t say that America is great, or America is stupid, or that Democrats or right or that Republicans are wrong. In The Loop says that everyone involved in politics is equally stupid, evil and incompetent. With prolific cussing and some of the funniest performances by an ensemble cast in the history of movies, In The Loop deserves a nomination like nobodies business.

ZOMBIELAND

It is time that the old stuckup bastards at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences* recognize a new and emerging genre of film that needs to be nurtured in it’s infancy if it wants to take off to the heights of better-known genres such as Action, and Horror and Rom Com. Of course I’m talking about the ZOM COM. Zombie land has great acting, a powerful story, and a whole slew of life lessons. I know it would never win the Oscar, but maybe a little wink from the academy might go far towards nurturing this type of film.

*Ha ha, just kidding everyone…

*SPOILER ALERT* If you haven’t seen District 9, and want to be surprised by it’s well crafted twists, turns and quirks, don’t read any further.

First and foremost, the biggest similarity is the concept. In Alien Nation, it’s been three years since aliens landed publically, and they now live among us as waiters and police officers and shop owners and so forth. A lot of people are uncomfortable about them living among humans and there is lots of racism. There are even identical-looking documentary interviews with people who don’t like the aliens, just as there were in Distrcit 9. However, in D9, while the aliens landed publically years ago, they are not accepted and are segregated.

Also: Alien Nation aliens weren’t quite as terrifying as those from D9

In Alien Nation, it is revealed that while certain aliens play by the rules, many aliens have turned to a life of crime and are drug addicts and thieves. This is the same in D9 where aliens horde weapons and stolen goods.

In Alien Nation, the aliens get drunk on sour milk, instead of alcohol, and they love it. In D9, the aliens are obsessed with a different thing humans don’t like or eat: Cat food.

In Alien Nation, the aliens are assigned human names so they can be part of the population. This is the same as in D9, where the main alien in the film is named Christopher Johnson.

In Alien Nation, the racist derogatory term for the aliens is “slags” and in D9 they call them ‘prawns’ because, well, they really fucking look like prawns.

Alien Nation was a allegory for post-civil rights movement America, where black people worked, desegregated, along side white people and as such racial tensions were high. D9 was also an allegory for racism, but specifically the terrible treatment of blacks in South Africa during apartheid.

One thing D9 didn’t have? James Caan being an asshole.

Admittedly, the plots of both films are completely different. Alien Nation is about some weird alien drug and evil aliens poisoning their own people, or some such bullshit, and D9 is about the evils of the government and a man becoming what he dislikes. However, at their core, both films are basically buddy cop movies. Two different people (in this case one of those ‘people’ is not a human), who have to work together despite their uneasiness about each other, and after a trial by fire, each comes to realize the inherent importance of the other and becomes self sacrificing.

D9 is one of the best Sci-Fi films I’ve seen in years, and absolutely one of the best involving aliens. Check it out, if you haven’t seen it yet, and if you have check it out again.

JAN. 2 – Maria de Jesus

Oldest living woman (well, I mean until… you know). Notable for being the only verified person who lived from 1893 to 2009, and winner of the ‘most insanely-religious name’ award. (This was a bit of a surprise as everyone thought the award would go to the German-born God Von Jesus-Moses.)

JAN. 4 – India

The black cat belonging to George W. Bush. This is notable because the wikipedia article on the cat is almost 400 words. On a fucking cat. World famous British Historian Jon Latimer (who died that same day) had a wikipedia page that was 220 words like. India was a cat, I would like to remind you. Also, 2 pictures of it. No pictures of Latimer. To be fair, a 21-year-old female Trinidadian boxer named Giselle Salandy’s wikipage was almost 2000 words, but she died tragically in a car accident. Also: SHE WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!

JAN. 6 – Alan Geisler

One hell of a contribution to the world

This man invented red onion sauce, one of the most popular condiments used on hotdogs by New York pushcart hotdog vendors. Which means he will now be eaten as meat for rats instead of making a condiment that is eaten on top of rat meat. Subtle difference.

JAN. 11 – Freddie Mack

Sure he was a British boxer, but his death is an amazing metaphor for the quickly crashing economy and devastation recession that will inevitably lead to a cannibal-strewn hellscape known as the Cursed Earth, formerly New York and Los Angeles.

JAN. 27 – John Updike

Aww. He looks like my grandpa. That made me sad for a second.

Finally! Someone anyone has ever heard of. Updike was a widely respected author of a prolific number of books with a wide variety of themes and concepts that he explored with beauty and honesty. And to us, he will most famously be known for his brief cameo on the Simpsons when Krusty the Clown yells at him, “Shut up, Updike.” Which, when we were young made us laugh because it sounds funny, and has the word dike. HAHAHA! That’s still funny.

FEB. 3 – Ben Blank

No, thats Brian Williams. Ben Blank is responsible for what’s over his shoulder.

The name might not sound familiar, but the shit-snowball he created can be seen any time you turn on a news program. Blank was the innovator of the “news graphic” such as the news logo displayed on screen and the graphic displayed over a news anchor’s shoulder. Now we have nothing but swoops and noises and CGI and absolutely no fucking news whatsofucking ever. I know it wasn’t your fault, Ben, that you ruined news reporting forever, but fuck you very much.

FEB. 4 – David Snow

That must be a… bird ruler?

Famed Ornithologist. As so you don’t have to hop on Google, that’s “bird fucker.” Well, bird enthusiast technically, but that’s only because they can fly and thus are difficult to catch. But the guy really loved birds. Loved them enough to write over 50 goddamn articles on them. And not just on his blog, but in respected bird fucking journals, so they had to be peer reviewed. If things on the Internet had to be peer reviewed for accuracy and bias, there wouldn’t be a single goddamn thing on the Internet.

FEB. 16 – Travis

I have no idea if this chimp is Travis the chimp. I couldn’t possibly care less.

Again with the animals having giant ass wiki pages. Travis the chimp who was a famous actor-chimp killed his trainers friend, and because of it got a goddamn 1500 word + wiki page. I too would kill for a 1500 word wiki page.

MAR. 7 – Tullio Pinelli

Screenwriter and practicing Nosferatu

The surreal works of Frederico Fellini wouldn’t have been what they were without Pinelli. He was the screenwriter behind such bizarre Italian classics as I Vitelloni, La Strada, La Dolce Vita, and 81/2. But don’t worry, you don’t need to have heard of any of those unless you’re a cocky know-it-all film student. And even then, you still probably wouldn’t have seen any of them.

MAR. 7 – Jimmy Boyd

That is actually the smile of pain and deep, deep sorrow.

When Jimmy was 12, he recorded “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” What most people didn’t know was that it was a true story, and the song was not some cute, semi-romantic Christmas jingle but in fact a form of therapy that Jimmy was undergoing to deal with the mental anguished cause by discovering that his mother was a cheating whore at such a young age. The session was then sold to a record label by his unscrupulous psychiatrist.

MAR. 22 – Abismo Negro

It’s like if Mr. Universe, a Power Ranger and Death from Bill and Ted melded together.

While his real name is the almost-painfully boring Andres Alejandro Gonzales, his Luchador name was Abismo Negro, which is so pants-shittingly awesome and terrifying I would never go by anything else if I were him. In English, it means Black Abyss, which is creepy enough as it is, but in Spanish, I think it automatically makes him some sort of vampire lord.

APR. 2 – John King

When I think I instruments that you could be proud of being know for playing, Ukulele ranks right down thåere with Theremin and Washboard, but John King said “who cares that it’s embarrassing, I want to be just like Tiny Tim.” And then he said, “except not horrifying” and then decided to play classical music on the ukulele.

APR. 12 – Marilyn Chambers

Will always be remembered for breaking barriers. Hot, sweaty interracial barriers.

The star of one of the world’s first widely-distributed porn films, Behind The Green Door, Chamber’s accomplishments can be boiled down to two things, both of which were seen in BTGD. First of all, she was a civil rights proponent by desegregating porn with the very first interracial sex scene. So, one might call her a hero. Also, she was in a surreal cum-shot scene that showed semen flying through the air over and over again for seven minutes and landing on her face. Yup, she was an American hero.

APR. 25 – Beatrice Arthur

While she may not be “little known” (after all, she was known inaccurately as ‘That One Golden Girl who was Actually a Man*’), you probably didn’t remember she was dead. I mean, not to be cruel, but I kinda thought she died years ago, so when I learned she died this year, I had already prematurely dealt with that pain. [* This is incorrect. She wasn’t the one golden girl who was actually a man. Estelle Getty was also a man.]

APR. 26 – Hans Holzer

Anyone who picked up a book on the paranormal when they were a kid is going “that name sounds familiar.” Well that’s because Hans Holzer is the fucking man! A ghost hunter, a demon investigator, and a prolific author about both hobbies, Hans Holzer made every kid want to study the supernatural long before the X-Files even existed.

MAY 1 – Danny Gans

Its like an M.C. Escher painting but… weirder.

Remember that time you went to Vegas, and wanted to go to a magic show, but Siegfried and Roy had already been mauled into a coma and not only was David Copperfield a sex offender but also cost $10,000 per ticket? And so you then got Danny Gans tickets? And when it was over you were like, “oh… okay… I guess. Huh. Whatever.” Anyway, he ODed.

JUN. 9 – Michael Roof

Do you remember XXX with Vin Diesel and XXX: State Of The Union? Well, in those movies, do you remember the nerdy sidekick character? Sure he was unnecessary and dorky, but he was fun, and seemed like he could have been pretty funny with some good material. Yeah, he hung himself at age 32. That… that really sucks. What’s weird? 6 days after David Carradine died from hanging, although the circumstances were far different. I think Roof’s death was less hookers and masturbation related.

JUN. 25 – Michael Jackson

We were unable to find any photos of Mr. Jackson. 

Yeah, THAT Michael Jackson. He’s dead. Weird huh? It seems like that would have been covered by at least the local press. Hmm. Well whatever.