MIME ARRESTED AFTER BRUTAL FAKE SHOOTING SPREE
Marcus DeAngelo, a street mime living in Paris, has been arrested after his imaginary shooting rampage failed to actually harm anyone.
Witnesses of the imaginary catastrophe report seeing DeAngelo holding his hands up, as if he were gripping the handles of two pistols, and his index fingers pulling imaginary triggers. According to one witness, DeAngelo was a wonderful mime and even mimicked the recoil real pistols would make.
“It was very entertaining, and entrancing,” said Ruper Carson, 23, a tourist from England who witnessed the imaginary mass-murder. “He was prancing around, diving, shooting his imaginary guns, strafing and taking cover. It would have been beautifully magical if, ya know, he wasn’t mimicking trying to kill us all. He really was talented though.”
Fellow witness Whitney Andrews, 30, a tourist from America, disagreed. “I have always fucking hated mimes. And this only makes it worse! Mimes suck.”
According to police, they threw DeAngelo into a real cell that had imaginary bars.
“Due to a construction complication, we have yet to install the bars,” said Capt. Emile Rabalias, “We just told him there were there, and he has been clanging an imaginary metal cup across them all day. If either the cup or the bars were real, it would be incredibly annoying.”
Police are only holding DeAngelo for a few days, as they have yet to figure out what to charge him with.
