DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Love Advice From History’s Deadliest Warrior

Dear Spartan,

            Since I was in Elementary School, I have been over weight and I have always felt uncomfortable about this. Kids in school used to mock me, and now I think people are talking about my weight behind my back. I mean, I’m not obese or anything, but I was just hoping you could tell me how I might be able to feel better about myself.

-Awkward-in-Anaheim

Dear Awkward,

            In my home land of Sparta, you would never have reached manhood. You should feel great shame for your lack of discipline and lack of honor to your own body. My frame is a temple hewn from the mightiest stone, allowing me to mercilessly kill hundreds in battle. I am in such incredible shape that I have bulging muscles in places that defy logic and confound even the most accurate scholars of anatomy. If you were in the mildest of confrontations you would be killed effortlessly. You are nothing but a quivering pillar of embarrassment compared to any of my countrymen.

-Spartan

*****************

Dear Spartan,

            I work for a small manufacturing company and I just recently got on the board that makes decisions towards the future of the company. I want to take the production in a different direction, but it seems as if everyone else is against me. How can I negotiate my way around this conflict to get what I want?

-Diplomatic-in-El Monte

Dear Diplomatic

            Negotiate? Men negotiate naught. Diplomacy is the useless action of weak men that will inevitably fail and lead to war either way. You ooze weakness and you complain against having a few who oppose you? I once stood with a troop of 20 men against a marauding Barbarian horde numbering in the thousands. We had been traveling for many days, and the cold Grecian winter had warped our spears and cracked our swords. With naught more than our fists and teeth we decimated wave after wave of Barbarian warriors, ripping them limb from limb and finding sustenance from drinking their tainted blood. Yet you complain about someone not agreeing with your plan? If you truly want them to hear your point, find the leader of the council, and with a powerful slash, decapitate him. Plant his head on a pike, and all those who see his head paraded down the halls will know who the natural, rightful leader is. Anything less than this is further proof that you are nothing but a pathetic wretch of a man.

-Spartan

*****************

Dear Spartan

            I’ve been reading your “Ask a Spartan” column, and you never give anyone advice. Your threaten them or make fun of them. Sometimes you just go off on random tangents about how much of a badass you are, but you never seem to help anyone. The column should be called “Get insulted by a Spartan.” Why not get off your high horse and actually help somebody?

-Annoyed-in-Alhambra

Dear Annoyed

            From the letter you sent me, I now know where you live. Kiss your women and offspring goodbye because me and my mighty horse Gargothius (how you knew of his towering size and posture I know not, but it concerns me little) are coming to your house and I will be bring Spartan steel and the fire of Hades with me. Prepare for eminent decimation!

-Spartan

Fetish for landscapes.

0:16 – “Hey guys, could we have, uh, GOOD dialog?”

-”Good dialog costs more.”

-”Oh, okay. Fuck it nevermind.

0:23 – Is the movie done shooting? Like, do they have enough footage for a trailer? It seems like nothing be grand sweeping stock footage of landscapes.

0:25 – You know they are mysterious and dark, because of the cloaks and all.

0:27 – When your trying to make your main character scary, maybe making them an albino with pinkeye isn’t the way to go.

0:32 – The director really likes symmetry and really centered shots.

-“Well, no not really sir. That’s how he delivers every line.”

-“Well, write him more lines damn it! I need more dramatic whispering!”

0:41 – Yeah. More landscape. I think the setting has been established as fully as humanly possible.

0:44 – “Sir, we can’t write him any more lines to whisper dramatically, but we can have Taylor Lautner deliver every line with intense, nearly-silent gravitas.

-“Hmm… you know what? Can we have the broad whisper too? Fuck it, everyone whispers!

0:47 – She looks less than thrilled that he’s in love with her. Actually she just always looks less than thrilled.

0:50 – I want to watch these two argue in that tone of voice. No one would have any idea what anyone else was saying.

Now, however, Google seems to be intentionally laughing in their faces with their new maps that use until-now unknown X-Ray technology that takes intricate pictures of the insides of people’s homes, showing everything they own. And instead of updating these maps every few months, they are using a vast array of floating cameras that will fly around taking moment-by-moment updated pictures. Los Angeles and New York are the first two trial cities, the residents of which are less than thrilled.

“So what? People on Google are going to get to watch when I’m going to the bathroom?” Asked LA Resident Drew West.

“That’s a really short-sighted comment,” said Dean Walton, director of the GoogleMaps HOMES program. “We won’t just show people going to the bathroom, but also people banging, shooting drugs, beating their wives and every other thing that no one wants us to see.”

Walton then went on to begin muttering “then we will have all the knowledge. Yes, yes, all the knowledge in the world!” His maniacal laughing and evil hand wringing signaled the obvious end to the interview.

Google also revealed several other projects, including a plan to unveil a police force made entirely out of floating metal spheres with laser turrets that will enforce Google’s Terms of Service with deadly force, and a plan that will map people’s thoughts and intentions using their warehouses full of enslaved pre-cognitive psychics.

NOTE: These posts were twittered live during the Oscars. These are the better selections out of a massive flood of tweets I sent out. Enjoy

Cannot wait to see Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin pretend to hate each other for three hours. Its been the only good parts of SNL in a decade

i know nph is gay but that suits a little on the nose isnt it?

lots of Nazi referances this year. wow.

how is penelopes accent so damn thick? ive heard her talk sort of normal in a lot of movies. cant she just fake it.dont get me wrong its hot

plummer talking about anti government manifestos is creepy in light of recent events.

obviously waltz was going to win. you can see how much better he was just from the clips. my god.

its weird to see someone really good like Steve carell next to someone who cant barely talk like cameran diaz.

ed asner is a god among old men.

i hope randy Newman splits the yearly randy Newman vote and doesnt win. family guy got it right with him.

really? the hurt locker had a better script than basterds?? thats fucktarded.

does Sam Jackson have a product placement deal with kangol?

i saw logorama at Sundance and it totally deserved to win. it was incredible. im amazed it hasnt been sued into non-existance.

Ben stiller is actuallly really good tonight. i like awkward tention. also i like painted face hair.

star trek deserves best makeup just for how fucking hot they made that green alien whore. i mean green alien slut. sorry.

if there was any justice in the world at all In The Loop would win. funniest movie of 09 next to black dynamite.

wow, robin Williams going blue with the comedy. good job. ball holding is not usually a Oscar ceremony topic.

Ana Kendrick deserves to win. she took a regular character and made it fascinating. thats a difficult challenge.

i stand by my opinion that anyone who was in soul plane should not be allowed to win an Oscar.

“okay guys moniqe won. cut to random shots of any black actors or people in the audience. get me blacks!!”

avatar gets art direction? did it even have any real sets? wtf?

really costume lady? you already have two you say? go fuck yourself. see if you win anymore after thiss one.

im a little late on this but i think its funny that they called Sarah Parker a clothes horse. given how she is already a regular horse.

they would respect horror more if they still made ammazing horror movies. almost every example was from 20+ years ago.

im glad they are doing a piece on sound design. no one ever notices sound. im glad its kind of getting its due.

feel sick that people can now say ‘academy award nominated film transformers: revenge of the fallen.”

i think its awesome that John Travolta wouldnt have any career without tarantino.

how can it be considered cinematography when 90% wasnt even shot, just made on a computer. thats crap.

if avatar hadnt won best special effects, everyone would have combusted instantaneously.

im glad the cove won. we might get the chance to screen it at CSULA. no promises though.

wow the hurt locker is cleaning up. i wonder whose going to win director. gee, who could it possibly be?

boo!!! a prophet should have won! it was a gritty french goodfellas! screw this Oscar crap.

almodovars ‘broken embraces’ should have been nominated for best foreign film.

for the first time ever Julian Moore looks fucktastically hot.

thank god Jeff won that. he has deserved it for every damn movie hes ever been in even iron man. he is the worlds best.

i think Jeff bridges just stayed in the dude character for the rest of his life. or maybe he just smokes truckloads of weed.

i dont care what anyone says, Helen mirren is a total GILF.

wow carey mulligan can really pull off the short hair look. my god. id like to give her some sex education if you know what i mean. oh wait, thats the whole point of ‘an education’? so its a bad metaphore? goddamn it.

two things: Penn always dresses like a poor private detective. and also wtf is he rambling about?

where does Sandra Bullock buy her clown/whore lipstick?

Bullock gave a great acceptance speech. it was beautiful. its just too bad she didnt deserve to win. thats all.

im not a huge hurt locker fan but good job for breaking down that door. mary haron should have won for American psycho but im happy for her

almost no real surprises this year. basterds should have won. she should have gotten director but basterds was better.

even tho avatar didnt win any of the big ones it still made 600 million billion dollars. its still the year of avatar.

0:20 – Their escape plan consisted of Rocket Propelled Grappling Hooks and asphalt surfing on steel doors? Subtle.

0:24 – Aw, and then they bought a vacation home on the lake. How adorable.

0:27 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to look out over the horizon with caution concern in slow motion.

0:36 – I’m glad their keeping alive the tradition of having B.A. Baracus played by a terrible actor. This huge budget they could have hired a real actor, or even a badass B-lister like Michael Jai White (star of Black Dynamite, which you should fucking see!) But no. Lets take our millions and hire Rampage Jackson.

0:42 – Why does Liam Neeson have soulless black shark eyes?

Creepy as fuck

0:45 – “Did you miss me? Cause I missed you, 70s era black windowless rape van.”

0:48 – Even on a big van, an impact like that is bound to fuck up your undercarriage. Probably break you axel too. At the very least fuck up your alignment. Stupid move. All just to break some wood fence.

0:50 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to silently fiddle with odd looking tools while smiling in slow motion.

0:56 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to stand around in the middle of a dead sage patch with my shirt off, looking around suspiciously in slow motion.

“Maybe if we make Cooper take his shirt off women will want to watch this A-Team shit too!”

0:59 – “And if you can find them?” The fuck is that supposed to mean? That sounds less than reliable. It sounds like “and if they feel like it.”

1:02 – Wow. Holy shit. I suddenly miss Mr. T.

1:06 – Oh, get it? Bad Attitude? BA Baracus? Fuck this movie. Fuck this whole franchise. It was shit when it was first on TV and its worse now. Worse but with more money.

1:12 – That’s a shit catchphrase. That’s his goddamn catchphrase. How often could that legitimately come up that it could be your catchphrase?

1:15 – Awkward group laughter so you know the movie isn’t too serious. In case you were worried about that.

1:25 – Did that unmanned predator drone just fire a missile?

1:32 – A) Why was that tank inside a plane. B) I don’t give a shit how many circus-colored parachutes you have, they aren’t holding up a 50 ton tank.

1:35 – No. Just no. Fuck you. That’s just… just fuckin’… no. NO!

No. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

1:41 – There is no plan B? That just seems like poor strategizing.