DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

#9. “WALL-E”

While not technically “post-apocalyptic” in terms of bombs or wide-spread death, the Earth WALL-E is charged with cleaning up is certainly a wasteland. And, whats more, it is a wasteland beautifully rendered in top-notch CGI in which the vastness of an empty earth is captured in all of his crunching beauty. Watching WALL-E picking up trash, building little trash cubes, and then building large structures out of those crash cubes gives you that impression of massive size much in the same way as those youtube videos that show you how small the earth is in comparison to the mega-planets outside our solar system. Its a great example of how a wasteland should look, and if it was only filled with leather-clad gang-members and hobo-looking survivors fighting to stay alive, this would have been genre-defining.

#8. “CYBORG”

Like American Cyborg: Steel Warrior, Cyborg isn’t a good movie. However, unlike AC:SW, people have heard of it, and Jean Claud Van Damme spends two hours killing the hell out of everyone. The best part of Cyborg is the world built around the terrible plot. With a virus wrecking havocs, Van Damme as a “Slinger” (basically a freelance mercenary/body guard) and with everyone named after products you can find at The Guitar Store (Van Damme plays Gibson Rickenbacker), the world of Cyborg is more interesting than anything the plot could bring. Also: Amazing costumes. Truly, some of the most illogical clothing every warn by any bad guys in the history of movies.

#7. “9″

In the future, when computers become too advanced, they rebel against their creators and the human race is wiped out by giant mechanical demon monsters. Sure, there aren’t any humans in 9, but there are some adorable, hacky-sack human analogs. And because of the scale of the protagonists in the film, we get to see a new view of the world after. Instead of making weapons out of logs and trying to find shells for your sawed-off, the heroes are using kitchen knives for broad swords and shooting sewing needles as arrows. The vastness of the wastelands and the decrepit, crumbling buildings seem even larger and more imposing because of how giant they now seem. If you want a good example of the world after a war with the bots, 9 is essential.

#6. “MAD MAX 3: BEYOND THUNDERDOME”

In the third installment of the popular Mad Max series, we find a long-haired Mel Gibson stumbling across “Barter Town” where the gangs and wastelanders trade their wares and find entertainment. The town is run by Tina Turner, is all of her giant-haired glory. In this town, they have running water, electricity, running vehicles, and all of it is made possible by a idiotic methane factory under the city. And, the biggest attraction is the gladiatorial THUNDER DOME. Where two men enter, but only one man leaves. This film is not the best in the series, not by far. It also doesn’t really capture that “ruins of civilization” that make so many of these films fun to watch. However, thunder dome’s pop-culture impact is too great to not mention. Everyone knows Thunder Dome, even if they haven’t seen the movie. And most of you have at least heard a Master Blaster reference and not gotten it. Well, watch Mad Max 3, and you’ll get it. However, you still probably wont care.

#5. “DAMNATION ALLEY”

In what is essentially a road trip movie, Damnation Alley is about the nuclear irradiation of America, leading to savage wasteland warfare, giant hissing cockroaches and intense storms. A group of men set out across the radiated desert to find the source of a strange radio transmission, and along the way meet survivors and face nuclear-made perils. Is it good? Eh, so-so. But it does have the Landmaster. The Landmaster is the coolest damn wasteland vehicle this side of Mad Max’s Diesel Carrier. It can shoot rockets, it hinges in the middle, it can climb huge inclines, can travel over anything, and pretty much is an unstoppable moving mountain of ass kicking. Romero ripped off the Landmaster to make his idiotic Dead Reckoning tank in ‘Land Of The Dead’ but the lighting couldn’t be rebottled.

#4. “A BOY AND HIS DOG”

A boy and his dog is about a sixteen-year-old Don Johnson as Vic who travels the wastes with his telepathic dog Blood, who uses his psychic powers to find women for Vic to try and rape. Also Vic and Blood are the good-guys. No, I’m not kidding, why do you ask? While this sounds terrible, A Boy and his Dog is a cult classic for a reason. It’s cult because its incredibly weird, and its a classic because its wonderfully fascinating. The wastelands are ruled by these small little towns and there is an ever-present danger in the form of a glowing green mutant… something-or-other. You never really know. But what saves this movie from being just another romp in the irradiated desert is when Vic travels to the world under the ground where society has reverted back to a 1950s southern community with ho-downs and picnics and a wholesome feeling that is shattered the giant cyborg men and moralistic dystopian government. A Boy and his Dog is defiantly weird and surreal, but with Harlan Ellison as the writer of the source material, you can’t really go wrong.

#3. “SIX STRING SAMURAI”

Possibly the only sci-fi movie weirder than A Boy and his Dog, Six String Samurai takes place in an alternate future where American was nuked and invaded by the Russians in the 1950s, leaving Las Vegas as the only city left in America. Elvis was appointed King of America, and he has recently died, leaving the position open. So a number of warrior musicians being their journey to Vegas to claim the throne. Our hero is a Buddy Holly lookalike who is equally adept playing a guitar as he is jump-kicking a legion of bad-guys in their collective faces. The villain in the film is Death himself, who is apparently a heavy-metal rocker. Along the way, Buddy becomes the ward of an orphan who he reluctantly begins to train as a musician warrior. The thing that makes this film so great are the trials they face. A bad of mariachi assassins, the entire Russian army (who are out of bullets) a cannibalistic family modeled after the Cleavers, psychotic Cosmonauts, underground monsters and a variety of other foes impede their path. This film was made for little-to-no money, and you can often tell. But even when the budget restrictions shine through, it almost makes the film that much more endearing.

#2. “THE ROAD”

The road just came out, and unlike many of the post-apocalyptic films of the past, it is not fun. Not even a little bit. However, it is vastly more realistic. You wont find any well-made mohawks in the world of The Road, just a lot of homeless looking people sleeping in abandoned homes and under plastic tarps. The story follows a man and his young son, who are trying to make their way across the soul-crushingly depressing ruins of America while trying to not get eaten to raped. The thing that makes this film so important to the genre is that this film takes a fantastical idea and makes it as human and real and terrifying as it really would be. They are struggling, not just to find food, but to find a place where they wont be brutally murdered. What makes this film especially scary is the tension never lets up. If you want a scare and some incredibly moving performances, The Road has everything you could want in a wasteland film, except of course fun and a sense of exciting adventure.

#1. “MAD MAX 2: ROAD WARRIOR”

Obviously, Road Warrior is number one. What else could it be. There is no movie the defined the genre of post-apocalyptic films more fully than Mad Max 2: Road Warrior. The film follows Max as he travels the desert wastes, until he comes across a gasoline refinery. In this future world, gas is the most sought-after commodity, and the refinery is being menaced by a horde or psychotic wasteland raiders on mopeds and go-karts in S&M gear wearing well-crafted mohawks. The leader of the horde is the Great Humongous, and he wears a hockey-mask and carries a long-barreled revolver. Now, reading that description, Road Warrior probably sounds like the stupidest film ever made. But, be assured, it is the most fun you will ever have watching a wasteland film. It is constant action, tons of excitement, great acting, really dark story-telling, and more than anything else, it set the tone for pretty much all the post-apocalyptic films to come after it.