Handy Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Survival Guide
We all know that some horrible, flame-engulfing, blood-spewing, civilization-ending event is just around the corner. Some of us believe it will be nuclear holocaust due to our cavalier (read: dickish) attitude with other countries, while other believe it will come when Jesus returns and while the Christians rise to heaven the dead will walk the earth and eat all the Jews, Atheists and Muslims. And other religions as well I’m sure, but I figure those Rapture people mostly care about making that trifecta suffer the most.
Whatever the case may be, whether were fighting off radioactive mutants or zombies returned from the grave by the loving peaceful Jesus, we can all agree that within a decade, were going to have to be fighting hordes of SOMETHING, probably in a barren, desert hellscape. And for that, you need to be prepared.
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
Waking up in a burned out husk of a building, sleeping on some moth-eaten blankets layed out over a wood palette, if you want to keep your head on your shoulders and your blood in your body, your going to need to figure out what the situation is, and what your biggest problems are. These are going to break down into one of three categories.
Roving Hordes: Whether it’s cannibalistic mutant rapists, wasteland thieves, or mindless zombies, they are going to be traveling in deadly, deadly groups that you should avoid at all costs. Most of your time will be spent hiding from these groups.
Shortages: In the desert wasteland, water will be a precious as gold. People will hunt and kill for some H2O. Also, they might want to hunt and kill for gasoline because the survival of nomadic groups will rely on their transportation. Also, you can forget about internet access and television, but don’t let this make you suicidal.
Fascist Dystopia: If you’re lucky, and I mean really lucky, there will still be enough people to rebuild small enclaves of society. However, with that old reset button firmly and irreversibly pressed, people will naturally become power-hungry and use fear and military power to enslave those who live within their borders. This would be a best-case post-apocalypse scenario.
CLOTHES:
There are two kinds of people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and two kinds only. You will have to choose which suits you best before you change choice which suit fits you best.
Nomadic Warrior Hero: Are you a lone fighter, traveling from place to place just looking to eek out a survival by collecting water and stealing food? Do people often come to you looking for help fighting off bands of monsters but you just want to keep your head down and mind your own business to stay alive? And then you ultimately suppress your selfishness and risk your life saving the helpless fools? Well then, you’re going to want a lot of leather. And I don’t just mean boots or a jacket. Your going to want leather pants, boots, shirt, jacket, gloves, headbands, and underwear if you can find em. Nothing feels better in the hot, unrelenting sun like the feel of soft, cool, jet-black leather covering every inch of your body. Also, to keep things lightweight, wear lots of chains and metal spikes.
The perfect outfit. It looks so comfy.
Wasteland Psycho: If your going around raping and murdering innocent people, fashion dictates that you do it while wearing lots of BDSM straps and a hockey mask. Your going to need a strap for your rusty, blood-soaked machete, and you should just wear that across your back or your bare chest. You should also be literally covered in spikes, anywhere you can bolt them.
WEAPONS:
Your going to have to choose between projectile weapons which can be used at long range, or if you want to get up close and personal and get blood all over your sun-baked clothing.
Projectile Weapons: Projectile weapons will both be rare and readily available depending on where you are. If your in the South, it should be no problem as a 2000 census says each citizen in Florida owns at least 12 guns. However, you have to assume that most ammunition has been used in whatever conflict happened to create this situation, and in the ensuring riot/rapefest/bloodbath. But your going to want to have a sawed off shot-gun, if at all possible. Sure, it only carries two rounds at a time and have a decently long reload time, but it looks really cool! Also, if you run out of bullets you can club people to death with it. Also, maybe some sort of wrist-mounted cross bow thing. Because it just makes sense.
It makes so much sense.
Melee Weapons: Humans have always been at war with each other. From the first time a man picked up a rock or a stick, they have used it to bash in the skull of their neighbor. Well, sometimes your ancestors got things right. Pick up and stick, tie a rock to it, and bash in people’s skulls.
SHELTER:
More likely than not, the world will be made up of three kinds of places. Barren wastelands, ruins, and cobbled-together cities. Each will provide different places that would be good to live in. But remember, you don’t want to stay in any one place too long. Here are a number of places that work as a hide-out and why.
Ruined Buildings: Your going to want to find a building, preferably one with a number of floors. The higher-up you are, the harder it will be for killers, mutants and zombies to find you and eat you. Burned out Casinos (especially those in Vegas) are a plus, mostly because of how fucking awesome that sounds.
Tents: Easy to put up, easy to take with you, and small. Cover it with leaves and you have a camouflaged hut. Of course plastic and cloth aren’t exactly the most protective of all building materials. In fact, there are no building materials less protective.
Gasoline Refineries: In the future, gasoline will be very important to nomads and dangerous psychotics. So make sure to put your life in needless jeopardy by blindly defending a gas refinery. Also, because of how precious gasoline is, defend it by building an unnecessarily large and dangerous flame-thrower tower that wastes hundreds of gallons of the stuff. And, if at all possible, hang out in the open a lot, just walking around the fortified refinery, in very noticeable all-white outfits while in range of the deadly, homemade projectiles the psychos outside have crafted specifically to kill you and take over your refinery.
With these tips, anyone can survive the end of the world as we know it. Well, not everyone. After all, even if you’re the hero of the wasteland your going to have to kill a hell of a lot of people.
