DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Now, however, Google seems to be intentionally laughing in their faces with their new maps that use until-now unknown X-Ray technology that takes intricate pictures of the insides of people’s homes, showing everything they own. And instead of updating these maps every few months, they are using a vast array of floating cameras that will fly around taking moment-by-moment updated pictures. Los Angeles and New York are the first two trial cities, the residents of which are less than thrilled.

“So what? People on Google are going to get to watch when I’m going to the bathroom?” Asked LA Resident Drew West.

“That’s a really short-sighted comment,” said Dean Walton, director of the GoogleMaps HOMES program. “We won’t just show people going to the bathroom, but also people banging, shooting drugs, beating their wives and every other thing that no one wants us to see.”

Walton then went on to begin muttering “then we will have all the knowledge. Yes, yes, all the knowledge in the world!” His maniacal laughing and evil hand wringing signaled the obvious end to the interview.

Google also revealed several other projects, including a plan to unveil a police force made entirely out of floating metal spheres with laser turrets that will enforce Google’s Terms of Service with deadly force, and a plan that will map people’s thoughts and intentions using their warehouses full of enslaved pre-cognitive psychics.

have found secret documents that not only will old people be at risk, they will be targeted for execution.

“The documents that we found prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Obama is going to use teams of ninjas to assassinate everyone of Medicare age,” revealed Fox News commentator Steve Doocy (pronounced: Douche-EE) during a recent broadcast.

With that smile he looks like a (Douch-EE)

When reached for comment, President Obama said “That’s ridiculous. We simply don’t have enough government ninjas to go and find all old people, we would have to hire a group of contract ninjas. Why are you looking at me like that? I was obviously joking…”

“Obama is going to hire contract killers!” Said Steve Doocy, on the next day’s FOX broadcast. “He says so himself.” Doocy then played a brief excerpt of Obama’s answer from the previous day.

Obama might even join in on the carnage

According to Doocy, the plan has other provisions that have been kept from the Congress and Senate. These include:

-All United States puppies will be rounded up and shot.

-Any White Anglo Saxon Protestant churches will be turned into Satanist Convents.

-Smoking weed will not only be legalized by mandatory.

-All children will be forced to go to Sex class. No, not Sex Ed, just sex. Where they will have sex.

“And we know all of these are true because someone sent them to us in an e-mail,” said Doocy. “Our listeners wouldn’t lie.”

“He will create an organized strike team that will use car bombs, lasers, ninjas and African snake monsters to kill anyone who is over fifty years old!” Screamed Konservative Konciousness Kollective president Richard Dukes. “And do you know why? So that anyone who witnessed his Kenyan birth wouldn’t be able to talk about it!”

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump in. “Dukes is right! Iraq Hussein Osama is trying to hide the evidence! He doesn’t want any of us to know that we was actually born from the pagan African soil, like a Kenyan Golem sent to America so that he can get revenge on all of us god fearing white males for Slavery! Witchdoctors birthed him, bathed him in the blood of bison and sent him on a murderous mission of hate and desegregation!”

Limbaugh then fell to the floor, shaking and crying in an Oxycontin-induced fit.

“Here is all we know for fact,” said Doocy, three days after the initial broadcast that revealed the secret provisions. “Barak Obama is actually a mythological African Monster hell bent on instituting white slavery and killing any one who may know the horrible truth. Also, he eats puppies, wants to blow up your grandparents and is probably gay.

Fox News Artist’s depiction of Obama in the early years

CNN and MSNBC quickly jumped in on the story because A) 24 hours is a lot of time to fill with stuff that is “true”, and B) They can.

In a daring move by the American Psychiatric Association, they have created a new religion known as Psychotology, to contend with the amount of crazy generated by their bitter nemesis, the Church of Scientology.

They want to keep all of that except the ‘Science Based’ part.

The APA said their bravery was bolstered by the recent declaration by Wikipedia officials that bans any Scientology official from editing Wikipedia pages about the Church of Scientology. The APA has taken this hit and run with it, creating ‘Psychotology.’

Psychotology is a multi-tiered “educational training system” that encourages the practices of past-life exploration, peer counseling, and a hierarchy system that shows your rank in the church increase as you spend more money and convert more people. But they have also decided to craft a back story that gives Scientology a run for its money.

According to the newly “found” books of Psychotology, 11 trillion years ago, the planet was molded out of “life clay” by a giant inter-dimensional being known as “Zorg” who looks like a giant cloud with a thousand indescribable faces. Once creating Earth, or “Gleg’Ork” as Zorg called it, he captured a huge number of insects from a dimension that only he knew about. He threw those insects onto the planet, and then used them for slave labor. Their sweat filled our oceans, and their cries of anguish still resonate across the planet. Thos “evil vibrations” affect our blood and our mind, and they are the source of all our sadness and illnesses.

Meet Zorg. He was apparently a dick. Not a big surprise really..

“You have no idea how hard it was to come up with stuff crazy enough to compete with Scientology,” said Dr. Mary Steiner, co-founder of the Church of Psychotology. “I mean, they had some real good crazy going on there. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to live up to their insanity standards. I think we did a damn good job though.”

The main difference between the churches is that while Scientology is against psychology, and doesn’t believe medical drugs can be effective, instead insisting upon exercise and vitamins, Psychotology believes in moderate use of psychologically helpful drugs, and a healthy diet of vitamins and exercise.

“Were still freaking doctors,” said Steiner. “We don’t want people hooked on drugs. Were not monsters. We were worried about scientology hurting people. Those idiots don’t even believe in schizophrenia. SCHIZOPHRENIA!! Its a real thing! How do you not believe in proven medical science? That’s just nuts!”

According to Steiner, the Psychotology was created for people who still wanted that hint of crazy in their lives, but needed medical drugs to keep from dying.

“This Psychotology nonsense is ridiculous,” said Karl Walters, a Scientology official. “Giant inter-dimensional monsters? Their crying echoes giving us sadness? We all know sadness is created by alien ghosts living in our blood. These people are stupid. Also, I hear they are all criminals who molest children and eat babies. What are their crimes? What are YOUR crimes?!!”

As of press time, most Psychotology officials have made a number of Kevlar Vest purchases, and have all received permits to carry hand guns, just incase any retribution is sought.