DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

0:20 – Their escape plan consisted of Rocket Propelled Grappling Hooks and asphalt surfing on steel doors? Subtle.

0:24 – Aw, and then they bought a vacation home on the lake. How adorable.

0:27 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to look out over the horizon with caution concern in slow motion.

0:36 – I’m glad their keeping alive the tradition of having B.A. Baracus played by a terrible actor. This huge budget they could have hired a real actor, or even a badass B-lister like Michael Jai White (star of Black Dynamite, which you should fucking see!) But no. Lets take our millions and hire Rampage Jackson.

0:42 – Why does Liam Neeson have soulless black shark eyes?

Creepy as fuck

0:45 – “Did you miss me? Cause I missed you, 70s era black windowless rape van.”

0:48 – Even on a big van, an impact like that is bound to fuck up your undercarriage. Probably break you axel too. At the very least fuck up your alignment. Stupid move. All just to break some wood fence.

0:50 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to silently fiddle with odd looking tools while smiling in slow motion.

0:56 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to stand around in the middle of a dead sage patch with my shirt off, looking around suspiciously in slow motion.

“Maybe if we make Cooper take his shirt off women will want to watch this A-Team shit too!”

0:59 – “And if you can find them?” The fuck is that supposed to mean? That sounds less than reliable. It sounds like “and if they feel like it.”

1:02 – Wow. Holy shit. I suddenly miss Mr. T.

1:06 – Oh, get it? Bad Attitude? BA Baracus? Fuck this movie. Fuck this whole franchise. It was shit when it was first on TV and its worse now. Worse but with more money.

1:12 – That’s a shit catchphrase. That’s his goddamn catchphrase. How often could that legitimately come up that it could be your catchphrase?

1:15 – Awkward group laughter so you know the movie isn’t too serious. In case you were worried about that.

1:25 – Did that unmanned predator drone just fire a missile?

1:32 – A) Why was that tank inside a plane. B) I don’t give a shit how many circus-colored parachutes you have, they aren’t holding up a 50 ton tank.

1:35 – No. Just no. Fuck you. That’s just… just fuckin’… no. NO!

No. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

1:41 – There is no plan B? That just seems like poor strategizing.

All I ever hear about on CNN and ABC and CSPAN and especially FOX is how wonderful other cultures and languages are, and how limited and juvenile American English is. The other day, my English “teacher” told that that English is derived from German, and is therefore “not a romance language.” That offends me to my very patriotic core. So what if it’s “linguistically accurate”? I know English is a romance language, because when I hear it I get turned on. I’m aroused most of the time, and this can be the only explanation. Anyway, when I told this to my teacher he became “uncomfortable” and had campus security escort me out.

Anyway, all of this is not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am here to give the English language a little boost. I always hear that other languages have words so complex that simply can’t be translated into English. For example, the Eskimos have 9000 words for snow, some only one letter long; others take entire pages to spell. This is why the English language is wonderful in my opinion. While they have one word meaning “thin snow” and another meaning “fluffy snow” we simply have the word “snow” and then adjectives to get the same god damn point across if it’s necessary. Usually, it’s not necessary. Who the fuck lives in snow now days? Eskimos? That’s because those people are sadly retarded. Want to know how I know that? They need 9000 words for frozen water.

Look, here is what I’m trying to get to, using my mastery of the English language, I have discarded all of it and just decided to make up random words that I have arbitrarily invented and only loosely have a connection to any form of oral communication. So, without further ado, 10 definitions to complex words I’ve made up and are too complex to be translated to any other language.

Tavernition [Tav-ern-ish-on]- The feeling of foreboding when you know you’ll be hitting the bars and only bad things are to follow when you start drinking.

Knarcking [Nar-king]- Rough sex that accidentally leads to a stripper’s death, even if a stripper wasn’t involved in the sex.

Shegars [She-gars]- Fruit-flavored cigars or cigarellos that are only smoked by women and gay men.

Shood [Shoe-d]- Food with absolutely NO nutritional value and is so hedonistic that it seems ridiculous i.e.-Taco Bell Famous Bowls.

Vokanger [Vo-cane-gar]- An intense rage directed at all around you due to the stupidity of your bosses at work.

Ubbered [Eww-burred]- boredom unlike any other, caused by having a class with a mono-tone teacher who specializes in a topic no one could ever care about even if they were paid to care. And, like, paid a lot.

Jankered [Jane-kurd]- When a girl is obsessed with you, and makes sure you never leave her side. Like “whipped”, but she uses violence instead of her Wang Polisher.

Gknawgina [Naw-gy-nah]- A painfully tight vagina, that feels like it’s biting down on your knob. Often found in virgins, anorexic girls and aliens from the planet SEX.* NASA wasn’t too creative with that one.

Gleeb [Glee-b]- A wet, disgusting, explosive sneeze, often used to spread disease.

Spricks- [Spuh-ricks]- Unbelievably stupid jackasses. Super Pricks. They are the guys who try to steal your girlfriend. While you are there. While you are having sex with her. They don’t care. Also, the same guys who used to spit milk in the weak kids face and then spread rumors he had splooge on his face. Sure, they are funny. But they need to be castrated for the good of the world.

We all know that some horrible, flame-engulfing, blood-spewing, civilization-ending event is just around the corner. Some of us believe it will be nuclear holocaust due to our cavalier (read: dickish) attitude with other countries, while other believe it will come when Jesus returns and while the Christians rise to heaven the dead will walk the earth and eat all the Jews, Atheists and Muslims. And other religions as well I’m sure, but I figure those Rapture people mostly care about making that trifecta suffer the most.

Whatever the case may be, whether were fighting off radioactive mutants or  zombies returned from the grave by the loving peaceful Jesus, we can all agree that within a decade, were going to have to be fighting hordes of SOMETHING, probably in a barren, desert hellscape. And for that, you need to be prepared.

FIRST THINGS FIRST:

Waking up in a burned out husk of a building, sleeping on some moth-eaten blankets layed out over a wood palette, if you want to keep your head on your shoulders and your blood in your body, your going to need to figure out what the situation is, and what your biggest problems are. These are going to break down into one of three categories.

Roving Hordes: Whether it’s cannibalistic mutant rapists, wasteland thieves, or mindless zombies, they are going to be traveling in deadly, deadly groups that you should avoid at all costs. Most of your time will be spent hiding from these groups.

Shortages: In the desert wasteland, water will be a precious as gold. People will hunt and kill for some H2O. Also, they might want to hunt and kill for gasoline because the survival of nomadic groups will rely on their transportation. Also, you can forget about internet access and television, but don’t let this make you suicidal.

Fascist Dystopia: If you’re lucky, and I mean really lucky, there will still be enough people to rebuild small enclaves of society. However, with that old reset button firmly and irreversibly pressed, people will naturally become power-hungry and use fear and military power to enslave those who live within their borders. This would be a best-case post-apocalypse scenario.

CLOTHES:

There are two kinds of people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and two kinds only. You will have to choose which suits you best before you change choice which suit fits you best.

Nomadic Warrior Hero: Are you a lone fighter, traveling from place to place just looking to eek out a survival by collecting water and stealing food? Do people often come to you looking for help fighting off bands of monsters but you just want to keep your head down and mind your own business to stay alive? And then you ultimately suppress your selfishness and risk your life saving the helpless fools? Well then, you’re going to want a lot of leather. And I don’t just mean boots or a jacket. Your going to want leather pants, boots, shirt, jacket, gloves, headbands, and underwear if you can find em. Nothing feels better in the hot, unrelenting sun like the feel of soft, cool, jet-black leather covering every inch of your body. Also, to keep things lightweight, wear lots of chains and metal spikes.

The perfect outfit. It looks so comfy.

Wasteland Psycho: If your going around raping and murdering innocent people, fashion dictates that you do it while wearing lots of BDSM straps and a hockey mask. Your going to need a strap for your rusty, blood-soaked machete, and you should just wear that across your back or your bare chest. You should also be literally covered in spikes, anywhere you can bolt them.

WEAPONS:

Your going to have to choose between projectile weapons which can be used at long range, or if you want to get up close and personal and get blood all over your sun-baked clothing.

Projectile Weapons: Projectile weapons will both be rare and readily available depending on where you are. If your in the South, it should be no problem as a 2000 census says each citizen in Florida owns at least 12 guns. However, you have to assume that most ammunition has been used in whatever conflict happened to create this situation, and in the ensuring riot/rapefest/bloodbath. But your going to want to have a sawed off shot-gun, if at all possible. Sure, it only carries two rounds at a time and have a decently long reload time, but it looks really cool! Also, if you run out of bullets you can club people to death with it. Also, maybe some sort of wrist-mounted cross bow thing. Because it just makes sense.

It makes so much sense.

Melee Weapons: Humans have always been at war with each other. From the first time a man picked up a rock or a stick, they have used it to bash in the skull of their neighbor. Well, sometimes your ancestors got things right. Pick up and stick, tie a rock to it, and bash in people’s skulls.

SHELTER:

More likely than not, the world will be made up of three kinds of places. Barren wastelands, ruins, and cobbled-together cities. Each will provide different places that would be good to live in. But remember, you don’t want to stay in any one place too long. Here are a number of places that work as a hide-out and why.

Ruined Buildings: Your going to want to find a building, preferably one with a number of floors. The higher-up you are, the harder it will be for killers, mutants and zombies to find you and eat you. Burned out Casinos (especially those in Vegas) are a plus, mostly because of how fucking awesome that sounds.

Tents: Easy to put up, easy to take with you, and small. Cover it with leaves and you have a camouflaged hut. Of course plastic and cloth aren’t exactly the most protective of all building materials. In fact, there are no building materials less protective.

Gasoline Refineries: In the future, gasoline will be very important to nomads and dangerous psychotics. So make sure to put your life in needless jeopardy by blindly defending a gas refinery. Also, because of how precious gasoline is, defend it by building an unnecessarily large and dangerous flame-thrower tower that wastes hundreds of gallons of the stuff. And, if at all possible, hang out in the open a lot, just walking around the fortified refinery, in very noticeable all-white outfits while in range of the deadly, homemade projectiles the psychos outside have crafted specifically to kill you and take over your refinery.

With these tips, anyone can survive the end of the world as we know it. Well, not everyone. After all, even if you’re the hero of the wasteland your going to have to kill a hell of a lot of people. 

In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticipated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.

Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”

Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!” 

Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like

For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.

“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”

The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.

“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”

Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.

“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”

When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying  and jumped out it dorm window.

Yeah, they really did that.

Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.

“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”

No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.

In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticip

ated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.

Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”

Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!” 

Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like

For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.

“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”

The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.

“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”

Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.

“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”

When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying  and jumped out it dorm window.

Yeah, they really did that.

Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.

“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”

No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.