However, the whole staff and creative development team is going on a booze-free beach vacation for a week, and when we get back, brace yourselves you sons of bitches. It’s going to be a fuckstorm!
I am currently fighting a one-man war against the old adage that it?s cute for two ugly people to get together. I like happiness. Its nice when people are happy, but we have to always be wary of the looming consequences. Sure we?ll all be happier if they spiked the water, air, the earth itself with mood enhancing drugs, but that would be disastrous for civilization and the nations biggest providers of cyanide pills.
When an ugly person?s DNA and another ugly person?s DNA mingle in that fluid strewn process of love, they create an ugly child. Now, you may think, ?What?s one more ugly person?? Before you go down that road, go to any crowded place and look around. Unless you?re in super awesome happy land, there will be ugly people around, lots of ugly people. In fact, ugly people are the majority in this city, state, country, and the damn planet too. If procreation occurs, it will take place in astonishing numbers. Please, I warn you to not make any attempts to visualize this process.
?But hey,? you might say, ?attractive people will just reproduce faster, everyone likes reproducing with attractive people? This is a logical fallacy, because it fails to take into account the momentous power of alcohol. Yes, the fermented sugars of such plants as grapes, potatoes, and the occasional carrot are a powerful tool in the evil ugly person conspiracy.
Hah, but I exaggerate. They are not evil. They are stupid. No, being ugly doesn?t make you stupid. The majority of people are stupid and the majority are ugly, so you?re going to see a lot of stupid ugly people, with a few glints of that inner beauty stuff that they make lame movies about. The ugly people, usually stupid, do not realize the plague that they are well plaguing upon humanity. This plaguing plague will only accelerate with time. I won?t be able to explain exponential growth at this moment, because most likely you are stupid and maybe ugly. However, I am sure that I am not committing the cardinal sin of insulting one?s audience, because you disgusting freaks think very highly of yourself, believing that you are above the filthy sea of ugly people and perhaps part of the attractive elite. Fine, live in your delusion. Just stay away from my secret bunker and my women, the attractive ones. And for the sake of all that is splendid, stop with the lovemaking. It only brings horror upon horror on top of a different horror or sometimes in the next room across from horror, which is sharing that room with terror, but terror snores and horror is even more horrible, which is really bad.
FYI: Don’t do a GIS for ugly people… you find them… *shudder*
Guest article written by Lev
Actually, it was the exact opposite of my previous statement. It was hard to get my name out there. All the letters, and they had to be in the right order. My crew couldn’t shoulder that responsibility. Half of them were retards who wore football helmets to school so they wouldn’t get hurt and the other half forgot theirs at home.
I was tardy for speech day and absent on makeup speech day. During election day, I kept screaming at my opponent that I’ll be the bigger man and call it a draw, but the response was always the same: “That doesn’t make sense” and, “You should have tried harder if you wanted to win.”
NO! YOU should try harder at failing! Then I won’t have to try. But you’re just too lazy!” I said, while I pushed her or harassed her sexually as the principal later told my parents.
I’m a political animal damn it! People need to listen to me rant and pretend to be interested. So at my high school reunion, I passed out ballots that only had my name on them. I won. I scored more votes than any president, Jesus, Black Jesus, or anybody.
Then, I got my cat elected using the same methods. Boy, was he happy that day. No beatings AND a vice-presidential position. If I had only remembered to feed him, it’d have been the best day in his life. It wasn’t, he died. So, Vote for me! For everything but Miss America. I’m too fat.
Guest Article written by Lev
We here at Drunk On Alcohol are going through some editorial overhauls and we are feverishly working towards getting the train back on the tracks. Don’t worry about anything, we are not gone or anything, just resting to get better. Kind of like Superman laying in a solarium after an epic battle with Metallo, or some such bullshit. Just, check back in a day or two, and your eyes will be treated to a feast, much like that on Thanksgiving, but with humor instead of turkey.
Smoking is cool. You have to understand what I mean by this statement. I’m not saying that I think smoking is cool, no. I’m saying that, by all criteria that we judge what is and isn’t cool, smoking is categorically cool. The reasons for this are numerous; perceived style, class, and rebelliousness. And it’s important to keep in mind that it doesn’t matter whether or not smoking is dangerous to your health.
When I pull out a pack of Marlboro Reds and slide one between my lips, pull out my gold Zippo lighter, and turn the tip to ember, then walk across campus with smoke emanating from my cig, I ooze suaveness. With Humphrey Bogart or Colin Farrell, the club I join when I light up has members who are the epitome of cool.
Everything in our culture that is cool is based on popularity and rebelliousness. Girls want to be skinny because they see models posing seductively in magazines and catalogues. They see girls who are so emaciated that every one of their ribs is clearly visible through their skin. They see women with shallow cheekbones, jutting shoulders, protruding hip bones and think to themselves, “I want to look just like that!” Smoking is the same thing.
Think about every noir mystery you’ve ever watched. Think about all the classic black and white actors who puff away in every scene. Think about all the murder, mystery, romance and intrigue that accompany every old celebrity who smoked. Think about Bogart, in his long trench coat, resting against a wall with a gun stuffed into his pocket and a burning cigarette in his hand. Don’t you wish you could be that cool?
The rebellious aspect of smoking is tied to the teaching parents force upon their kids. The lessons “health activists” and “educators” try to stuff down children’s throats. “Smoking is bad for you.” “Smoking is nasty.” “Smoking can make you impotent.”
When I was in high school, I was in health class, and my teacher was explaining to us that abstinence from sex was the only way we could keep from getting AIDS or knocking someone up. She begged us to remain abstinent. Then, in the next class meeting, she was telling us not to smoke. One of her main reasons was that it caused impotency. If we were supposed to remain abstinent, why was it so important to be able to get an erection? It was incredibly confusing, and I decided at that moment that she had no idea what she was talking about and I was going to have as much sex and smoking as I pleased.
Sex is another reason that smoking is believed to be so cool, specifically the post-coital smoking. What’s better after the romantic entwining of two bodies in the throes of passion, than lighting a smoke and puffing away like nothing matters?
In fact, in the expansive world of fetish porn Web sites, there are even some that display what is known as the smoking fetish. Soft-core pornography that shows women stripping while smoking a cigarette, proving that smoking is directly linked to the sex drive of some men.
The most popular argument against cigarettes is the “bad for your health” attack. Supposedly, cigarettes can cause cancer. So can char grilled meat, hairspray, ink, Los Angeles air, Sunlight, and even the radiation tests you take to see if you have cancer can cause it.
Cancer is caused when cells begin to replicate radically, and form malignant cells, which can form into malignant tumors. Since our bodies have only so many replications they can make before the cells start to become malignant, cancer is practically inevitable. If you live long enough, you’ll die of cancer. What are you supposed to do? Not enjoy pounds and pounds of burnt steak? Not spend hours and hours in the scorching sun without Coppertone? Not supposed to smoke occasionally?
Also, smoking is believed by some to kill hundreds of thousands of people each year. Now, don’t get me wrong, I fell badly for these people and their families, but do you know how over populated the world would be if smoking didn’t exist? We would be battling starvation at every turn.
I, for one, will not stop smoking just because of some witch-hunt being led by the media and anti-smoking fascists. As it is, I can’t smoke in doors, and soon, I won’t be able to smoke at all. I’ll have to buy cigarettes on the black market, and smoke in alleys and in underground smoking dens. When that day comes, smoking will be even cooler. Not only will I be smoking, I’ll be an outlaw, and what’s sexier than an outlaw?
Yeah… so…
I’m not going to be posting until Saturday.
Yeah… Sorry about that…
To all 10 of you faithful readers.
