Archive for police

Man Who Lives In Playground Claims Not To Be Pedophile, Just Really Loves Sand

By Angelo Bowers-DOA Staff Writer

OKLAHOMA CITY -The Oak Tree Public Park has always been known as the largest and best recreational park in Oklahoma City. The park boasts over four miles of outdoor fun including the Oak Tree Playground, which features local resident Barry Watson. On any given day you can find Watson taking photos with his GPS Polaroid camera and grabbing handfuls of his beloved sand.

Watson, who locals call “A creepy bastard,” has been living in the Oak Tree Playground for over 15 years.

“I love this playground, I love the plastic slides, the safety bars, the multi-colored jungle gym, the swings, the large clumps of sand, and the strong athletic boys with their young rippling biceps (awkward pause) but, most of all I love the sand,” says Watson while staring at a group of children eating ice cream.

Watson’s life story is filled with mountain highs and valley lows plus lots of sand wedged in between. The man known as the Oak Tree Playground’s “Resident psycho fuck” has never left the city limits of Oklahoma City due to a rare disease: Sando-Cliptic-Phile-Phobia (extreme fear of people over the age of 13 and an overly sexualized obsession with sand particles).

Before interviewing Watson I was warned that he wouldn’t talk to me unless I dressed and acted like a twelve year-old boy (preferably Asian).

“Barry really loves sand…at least that’s what he tells you while he takes Polaroids of your son crying. You see, Barry is afraid of adults. I really don’t know why but, he just is. He’ll stay at the park for days in fact; I don’t think he ever leaves. Geez, he really is a sick fuck. Sometimes I think about telling the police about him but, gosh, he really is great with kids and he loves sand,”says Donald Thompson, who usually gives Watson a couple of dollars each week to look after his son.

Because of his illness, and the fact that he lives in a sand pit, Watson has been unemployed his whole life. To help support himself he usually tries to sale bags of sand for a dollar.

“Well, there’s no beaches in Oklahoma, so this is the closest I’ll get to the beach and the closest I’ll get to young Asian boys,” says Watson while taking photos of me dressed like a foreign exchange student named Chi-Ming.

While doing further research on Watson’s life I found that there has never been a disease called Sando-Cliptic-Phile-Phobia. I also discovered that there is a growing suspension about the real identity of Watson. After several meetings with the Oklahoma City Police Department I found out that Barry Watson may in fact be Johnny Poncho: A mental patient who escaped New Mexico State Hospital in 1987.

There is currently an ongoing investigation on the true identity of Barry Watson a.k.a. Johnny Poncho. If you have any information please contact the Oklahoma City Police Department.

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Robot Warrior: Hero Or Menace? MENACE!!



Everyone likes Robot Warrior. “He’s such a humanitarian,” they say. How can that be? He’s not even human. Sure, we all applaud when he defeats the fiendish Garrrth from the Planet Evil. Yet, did anyone notice that after he came back triumphant from the otherworldly fourth hell to bring back the stolen Statue of Liberty, he didn’t remark once on the sociological and religious facets of the encounter. 


Gaaarth. Luckily he was made out of balsa wood.


I’ve never seen that giant indestructible marvel voice a political opinion, not even once. Well I mean, besides his strong views on abortion. I attribute those to his views on biological processes as opposed to an affiliation with a major political power. Plus, his catch phrases aren’t even very catchy.

“I will use my robotic powers to end your invasion of Earth. Life begins at Conception. Robo-Beam BLAST!”

However valid my points may be, nobody knows him better than his trusted partner Robot Sidekick:


Robot Sidekick never gets robo-tail.

Me: Well, tell me something about yourself. What are you about?
Robot Sidekick: My name defines my function.
Me: Fine, where do you stand on the issues?
Robot Sidekick: I am currently not standing on anything; I am sitting. 
Me: Okay, lets talk about Robot Warrior. You’ve worked together for decades. He always tells you what to do, but does he ever listen to you?
Robot Sidekick: We communicate on seventeen different frequencies…but no he never truly listens. 

If Robot Warrior can be so cruel to the ones closest to him, what chance does the rest of the world have? Despite the hype, Robot Warrior is as much a villain as the spleen-stealing pirates of the Amazon. 

Five years ago, he transformed a toxic landfill into a monumental lake lush with life for the urban dwellers to enjoy, but he didn’t consider all the consequences. Because of this new local “pool,” three children have drowned. These are kids who would have never even seen a body of water bigger than a bathtub without the Robot Warrior’s interference. I know that Robot Warrior can’t be everywhere at once, until his chronological displacement belt is repaired, but he can at least make the effort.

United together, there is no way for us to physically harm his impermeable skin, but the ideological war could be ours.

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MIME ARRESTED AFTER BRUTAL FAKE SHOOTING SPREE

Marcus DeAngelo, a street mime living in Paris, has been arrested after his imaginary shooting rampage failed to actually harm anyone.

Witnesses of the imaginary catastrophe report seeing DeAngelo holding his hands up, as if he were gripping the handles of two pistols, and his index fingers pulling imaginary triggers. According to one witness, DeAngelo was a wonderful mime and even mimicked the recoil real pistols would make.

“It was very entertaining, and entrancing,” said Ruper Carson, 23, a tourist from England who witnessed the imaginary mass-murder. “He was prancing around, diving, shooting his imaginary guns, strafing and taking cover. It would have been beautifully magical if, ya know, he wasn’t mimicking trying to kill us all. He really was talented though.”

Fellow witness Whitney Andrews, 30, a tourist from America, disagreed. “I have always fucking hated mimes. And this only makes it worse! Mimes suck.”

According to police, they threw DeAngelo into a real cell that had imaginary bars.

“Due to a construction complication, we have yet to install the bars,” said Capt. Emile Rabalias, “We just told him there were there, and he has been clanging an imaginary metal cup across them all day. If either the cup or the bars were real, it would be incredibly annoying.”

Police are only holding DeAngelo for a few days, as they have yet to figure out what to charge him with.

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Your American Legal Rights

So, I often find it hard to talk about the police or legal authority without breaking down into a string of multi-syllabic curse words and hyperbolic desires for anarchy. This can lead to some great posts, but doesn’t work as well when trying to give legitimate advice.

For this reason, I have brought in guest writer Robbie Capek to help me fill my quota of informational content. In this day and age of glorifying authority and crushing any individuality, our rights are becoming more and more endangered. The only defense? Knowledge. So, I’ll shut up now, and let Robbie enlighten your mind.
*****

With crime dramas on television that star police officers and detectives who “play by their own rules,” it becomes more a part of the culture to accept this as the way things actually are supposed to happen. It has been shown in court that jurors suffer from the ‘CSI” affect, meaning they believe that the defendant isn’t proven guilty until all forensic evidence is exhausted. They don’t realize that this, in many cases, is unnecessary and, in many cases, impossible.

But with three Law and Orders and three CSIs, along with Cops and America’s Most Wanted, people are often shown examples of police intimidation and harassment presented in a positive light. Possibly because of this, the number of people who actually know what their rights are isn’t high.

“If a cop asks to search my car, I have to let him.” Said Stephanie Vasquez, 22, a recent high school graduate and new car owner. “If I tell them they can’t, its, like, probable cause. And they suspect me more.”

This however is inaccurate. Many people feel the same way however. The rights of the people may even being weakened by the Supreme Court. Recently the Supreme Court was deciding whether the fifth amendment says that coercive interrogation is illegal, or does it simply mean that confessions obtained are inadmissible.

In a time of stress and fear, emotions often associated with encounters with police, it is common for people to react in a way that is detrimental to their own good. As exhibited on shows such as Cops and America’s Most Wanted. It has been found that many people don’t actually know their rights, or how to act when interacting with the police. A person having comprehensive guide to their rights can keep them from incriminating themselves or being arrested on charges even worse then those they were originally detained for.

The ACLU has had a guide to your rights that it has been distributing for years. The one guideline that appears most frequently is to be respectful of the officers in the sense of not “bad-mouthing” them or arguing with them. Also, give them no reason to think you are a threat to their well-being. Make no attempts to physically resist, or run away. The first six basic rules all deal with this.

“Think carefully about your words, movement, body language, and emotions. Don’t get into an argument with the police. Remember, anything you say or do can be used against you. Keep your hands where you can see them. Don’t run, and don’t touch any officer. Don’t resist even if you believe you are innocent. Don’t complain on the scene or tell the police they’re wrong or that you are going to file a complaint.”

Another reason that a person should be very aware of what he or she says is because of the fact that anything you say can be used against you. This includes any verbal consent to search your vehicle, any admittance to a crime, or any arguing with a police officer that could be used to file charges of resisting arrest.

Every scenario of police interaction has its own rules and, by extension ,you have different rights, but they all stem from the Miranda rights. They are, essentially, he or she has the right to remain silent. Anything he or she says can be used against him or her in a court of law. He or she has the right to an attorney. If he or she cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to him or her.

The Miranda rights come from the case of Ernesto Miranda, who was arrested in 1963 for stealing eight dollars from a bank worker. Under interrogation, he confessed to the crime, and also confessed to kidnapping and rape of an 18-year-old girl. However, since he had not been informed that his confession could be used against him and he didn’t have a lawyer, he was granted a right to a new trial, and the case established the Miranda rights for people accused or arrested for crimes.

A person who is arrested or detained has the right to refuse to answer any questions the police ask. However, in some states, a person must provide their name or they can be arrested for refusing to provide it. Other then that, and possibly their addresses, no other questions are mandatory.

This is also true if you have been arrested and are currently being interrogated. A person who has been arrested has the immediate right to request a lawyer, or call a lawyer, before any questioning takes place. If a person cannot afford a lawyer, then they have the right to request a state-appointed lawyer for no charge. These are known as state defenders. Also, within a reasonable amount of time after being arrested, a person must be allowed to make a local phone call to anyone they want. If this call is to the person’s lawyer, it is unlawful for the police to listen, and inadmissible in court as any kind of evidence.

The fourth amendment says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

This means that a person has the right to refuse to consent to a search of their property, either their house, their car, or their workplace, without a search warrant. However, if there is probable cause, such as screaming coming from within a domicile, or drugs and paraphernalia are laying in open view. In cases such as this, any materials or evidence deemed pertinent can be held until an official search warrant is issued.

However, without probable cause and with out a search warrant, any evidence obtained is inadmissible in court. A police officer who pulls a person over has the legal right to “pat down” the person to see if he or she is in possession of any firearms or weapons that could be harmful to officers. But a person should make it clear that they consent to no further searching. However, if a search warrant is obtained, a person should make sure to actually see it, and if it is a warrant, he or she should keep from interfering at all or they could be arrested.

The ACLU has a few other tips, separate from your rights that may prove useful to a person in court or with their lawyer. The guide says, “Remember the officer’s badge and patrol car numbers. Write down everything you remember ASAP. Try to find witnesses and their names and phone numbers. If you are injured, take photographs of the injuries as soon as possible, but make sure you seek medical attention first.”

-Robbie Capek

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Anger #10: The Rainbow Family

The Rainbow Family is to activism like smoke bombs are to anti-riot gear: fucking pointless and ineffectual. I am all for fighting the government, but these pussies not only think they can stop things by tripping out in a field, they are also hypocrites. And there is nothing I can abide less than a fucking hypocrite.

Two days ago, a bunch of these rainbow pansies were recently arrested for assaulting cops with sticks. Go fuck yourself. While I don’t claim to support authority or the police, I think its bullshit to claim you are part of a peace-loving, hate-battling group and then hit people with rocks.

Sex, drugs, music, free love, the hippie principles, those I can live with. I can even enjoy those. Hippie is such a pejorative word nowadays, even though their ideals were generally commendable. Admittedly, they let down the following generation by selling out and committing us further into a world that they were trying to fight, but whatever. However, these Rainbow fuckers, they are just stupid, pseudo-agitators who want to change the world by doing nothing.

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ANGER #4: Religious Outrage (Muslim Edition)

So, some Muslims are pissed because of a puppy sitting on a police hat. I know that sentence sounded like fucking Madlibs, but I assure you, I have not yet gone mad.

This is a situation unfolding in Tayside Scotland. The evil Scottish police (those bastards) have created an OBVIOUSLY offensive new advertising campaign that directly insults Muslims and insults them and their faith, because the Scottish police are a bunch of racist assholes. Here is the new ad:


Those jerks. How dare they insult Muslims so aggressively! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! Seriously? Someone is pissed about this? Look at how goddamn cute that thing is!

Some Muslims are mad because black dogs are unclean. (Which is crazy! That’s the best part about the color black, you can’t tell if it’s clean or not. It’s why I didn’t get a white car.) This goes to show that when people whose religious faiths are insane get mad, its fucking hilarious.

Now, I’m not attacking Muslims. I think ALL faiths are stupid. I think FAITH, as a whole, is stupid. If Christians were getting mad at this (instead of gay marriage, abortion, nudity, cussing, “the Jew-run media”, gays in the military and a thousand other retarded things) I would say they are stupid too. In fact, I’ll say it anyway: they are stupid. But here is my point: In a climate in the west where your culture as a whole has been getting some bad PR for being overly-confrontational and angry, shouldn’t you be picking your battles more carefully?

Here’s some advice: If someone draws a comic about your god, write a letter to the editor. DON’T BURN THE DANISH GODDAMN EMBASSY! If the cops try to tell people their new phone number and they use an admittedly confusing visual of a cute dog on a hat, maybe just write the number down so you can call it when you need to, and then throw the card away.

READ STORY HERE

BONUS ANGER: Hey, Tayside police? Shut the fuck up about your “world-famous” police dog. Seriously, I get why your explaining why you put it on the card, but your dog isn’t “world” famous and you shouldn’t be pandering and apologizing to touchy fanatics.
Then again they might burn down your police station, so I don’t know…

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