DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

NOTE: These posts were twittered live during the Oscars. These are the better selections out of a massive flood of tweets I sent out. Enjoy

Cannot wait to see Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin pretend to hate each other for three hours. Its been the only good parts of SNL in a decade

i know nph is gay but that suits a little on the nose isnt it?

lots of Nazi referances this year. wow.

how is penelopes accent so damn thick? ive heard her talk sort of normal in a lot of movies. cant she just fake it.dont get me wrong its hot

plummer talking about anti government manifestos is creepy in light of recent events.

obviously waltz was going to win. you can see how much better he was just from the clips. my god.

its weird to see someone really good like Steve carell next to someone who cant barely talk like cameran diaz.

ed asner is a god among old men.

i hope randy Newman splits the yearly randy Newman vote and doesnt win. family guy got it right with him.

really? the hurt locker had a better script than basterds?? thats fucktarded.

does Sam Jackson have a product placement deal with kangol?

i saw logorama at Sundance and it totally deserved to win. it was incredible. im amazed it hasnt been sued into non-existance.

Ben stiller is actuallly really good tonight. i like awkward tention. also i like painted face hair.

star trek deserves best makeup just for how fucking hot they made that green alien whore. i mean green alien slut. sorry.

if there was any justice in the world at all In The Loop would win. funniest movie of 09 next to black dynamite.

wow, robin Williams going blue with the comedy. good job. ball holding is not usually a Oscar ceremony topic.

Ana Kendrick deserves to win. she took a regular character and made it fascinating. thats a difficult challenge.

i stand by my opinion that anyone who was in soul plane should not be allowed to win an Oscar.

“okay guys moniqe won. cut to random shots of any black actors or people in the audience. get me blacks!!”

avatar gets art direction? did it even have any real sets? wtf?

really costume lady? you already have two you say? go fuck yourself. see if you win anymore after thiss one.

im a little late on this but i think its funny that they called Sarah Parker a clothes horse. given how she is already a regular horse.

they would respect horror more if they still made ammazing horror movies. almost every example was from 20+ years ago.

im glad they are doing a piece on sound design. no one ever notices sound. im glad its kind of getting its due.

feel sick that people can now say ‘academy award nominated film transformers: revenge of the fallen.”

i think its awesome that John Travolta wouldnt have any career without tarantino.

how can it be considered cinematography when 90% wasnt even shot, just made on a computer. thats crap.

if avatar hadnt won best special effects, everyone would have combusted instantaneously.

im glad the cove won. we might get the chance to screen it at CSULA. no promises though.

wow the hurt locker is cleaning up. i wonder whose going to win director. gee, who could it possibly be?

boo!!! a prophet should have won! it was a gritty french goodfellas! screw this Oscar crap.

almodovars ‘broken embraces’ should have been nominated for best foreign film.

for the first time ever Julian Moore looks fucktastically hot.

thank god Jeff won that. he has deserved it for every damn movie hes ever been in even iron man. he is the worlds best.

i think Jeff bridges just stayed in the dude character for the rest of his life. or maybe he just smokes truckloads of weed.

i dont care what anyone says, Helen mirren is a total GILF.

wow carey mulligan can really pull off the short hair look. my god. id like to give her some sex education if you know what i mean. oh wait, thats the whole point of ‘an education’? so its a bad metaphore? goddamn it.

two things: Penn always dresses like a poor private detective. and also wtf is he rambling about?

where does Sandra Bullock buy her clown/whore lipstick?

Bullock gave a great acceptance speech. it was beautiful. its just too bad she didnt deserve to win. thats all.

im not a huge hurt locker fan but good job for breaking down that door. mary haron should have won for American psycho but im happy for her

almost no real surprises this year. basterds should have won. she should have gotten director but basterds was better.

even tho avatar didnt win any of the big ones it still made 600 million billion dollars. its still the year of avatar.

0:05 – Wait… the Twin Towers? I… huh.

0:10 – He mentioned the name of my column!

0:25 – Ha ha! Get it? Cause phones were larger in the 80s. Hahaha!

0:36 – Aw, and the movie looked so good for a minute. Wait, this isn’t a cherished childhood memory. Why is he here to ruin it?

0:44 – Why is Shia dating a 12 year old? It’s pretty ballsy to add a sub-plot about pedophilia. Oh, she’s just unattractive. Gotcha.

0:47 – Shes like Molly Ringwald if Molly Ringwald had never been sexually attractive.

0:53 – Really? A long line for a book signing about insider trading?

0:58 – Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is not one of those times.

1:09 – What Michael Douglas would look like if his career had gone the way it should have, and he ended up as a drunk hobo. (‘Falling Down’ excluded.)

1:13 – They let 16 year olds be investment bankers and stock managers?

1:28 – “Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it.” Best look Michael Douglas has ever given.

1:29 – Creepy couch pose there Gordon. Looks like Shia’s really gonna have to work for that job. With his mouth. Im talking about oral here. On Douglas. You know what? Never mind. Just forget about it.

1:32 – Bad sign number 2.

1:35 – “Whuaah. That’s a number so high I can’t even know it.”

1:39 – Aw fuck it. Lets throw in some Brolin.

1:43 – The high stakes world of Impromptu Investment Banking Macho Motor-Cycle Riding One-Up-man-ship Challenges.

1:47 – Really? A burgundy suit? Really?

1:50 – It’s Nixon with a beard!

1:53 – The international sign of bad guy: Slicked back hair.

1:55 – Were all the pretty actresses busy working on different movies?

1:56 – Gaudy.

1:59 – Do you think that was a reference to his movie “The Game?” That was actually a pretty good movie too…

2:11 – “Its easy to get it, it’s hard to get out.” Like when Wolves have sex. Look it up.

2:17 – It’s hard to be threatening when your wearing glasses that you just stole from Elton John.

Dear America,

Hey sweetie pie, I just wanted you to know, I’m really, really sorry for everything I’ve done recently, and I feel just awful at how I’ve hurt you. I mean, I know we really started having our differences in the 70s, what with that whole “Watergate” thing and when I committed treason by giving weapons to your friend at the time Iran, that wasn’t cool. I promise I didn’t know Iran would turn out to be such a back-stabber though, I swear! It was a mistake.

Then, in 2000, I really let you down. I know, I know. I mean, I had no idea how far things would get out of hand. I swear I didn’t mean to make the whole rest of the world despise you and make everyone think you were stupid. It’s just, the power was so much fun and, well, you know how much I love money! That’s why I violated your Alaska. It wasn’t just some power trip, it was for money! I know that doesn’t make it any better.

Now, you’ve found someone else. The Democrats. That guy is a total dick! Wait, wait, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I realize now that the things I’ve done to try to win you back have been unconscionable. Hell, I have done some despicable things in my attempts to break you guys apart. I’ve made up stories about your new boyfriend being a foreign terrorist, I’ve organized mobs and fed them stories about how your boyfriend wants to get kill their grandparents. I’ve lied, over and over again to everyone who would listen. I am truly a monster.

But I want to change. I want to go back to the days before all I did was try to lead insane, lie-based witch hunts and jingoistic xeno-phobic mobs. Remember when I fight to keep the Union together and to rid the country of slavery? Back before I hated Mexicans and called anyone who didn’t agree with me a “Nazi?” (even though my own actions have obviously been more fascistic than anyone else.)

But here is when I’m getting serious. I swear to God, if you don’t ditch this schmuck and get back with me, all hell will break loose. I have it on good authority that your boyfriend not only wants to kill old people, but also babies with down syndrome and all Christians. Also, he’s a Muslim extremist. You KNOW those people call kill with their minds! Your new boyfriend is going to hurt you baby! You know all I want to do is protect you. Sure, I might crack you on the jaw once or twice, but that’s only because I love you, and because you made my sandwich wrong.

So, in short, come back to me you cheating whore or your going to regret it!

Your truly,

The Republicans

JAN. 2 – Maria de Jesus

Oldest living woman (well, I mean until… you know). Notable for being the only verified person who lived from 1893 to 2009, and winner of the ‘most insanely-religious name’ award. (This was a bit of a surprise as everyone thought the award would go to the German-born God Von Jesus-Moses.)

JAN. 4 – India

The black cat belonging to George W. Bush. This is notable because the wikipedia article on the cat is almost 400 words. On a fucking cat. World famous British Historian Jon Latimer (who died that same day) had a wikipedia page that was 220 words like. India was a cat, I would like to remind you. Also, 2 pictures of it. No pictures of Latimer. To be fair, a 21-year-old female Trinidadian boxer named Giselle Salandy’s wikipage was almost 2000 words, but she died tragically in a car accident. Also: SHE WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!

JAN. 6 – Alan Geisler

One hell of a contribution to the world

This man invented red onion sauce, one of the most popular condiments used on hotdogs by New York pushcart hotdog vendors. Which means he will now be eaten as meat for rats instead of making a condiment that is eaten on top of rat meat. Subtle difference.

JAN. 11 – Freddie Mack

Sure he was a British boxer, but his death is an amazing metaphor for the quickly crashing economy and devastation recession that will inevitably lead to a cannibal-strewn hellscape known as the Cursed Earth, formerly New York and Los Angeles.

JAN. 27 – John Updike

Aww. He looks like my grandpa. That made me sad for a second.

Finally! Someone anyone has ever heard of. Updike was a widely respected author of a prolific number of books with a wide variety of themes and concepts that he explored with beauty and honesty. And to us, he will most famously be known for his brief cameo on the Simpsons when Krusty the Clown yells at him, “Shut up, Updike.” Which, when we were young made us laugh because it sounds funny, and has the word dike. HAHAHA! That’s still funny.

FEB. 3 – Ben Blank

No, thats Brian Williams. Ben Blank is responsible for what’s over his shoulder.

The name might not sound familiar, but the shit-snowball he created can be seen any time you turn on a news program. Blank was the innovator of the “news graphic” such as the news logo displayed on screen and the graphic displayed over a news anchor’s shoulder. Now we have nothing but swoops and noises and CGI and absolutely no fucking news whatsofucking ever. I know it wasn’t your fault, Ben, that you ruined news reporting forever, but fuck you very much.

FEB. 4 – David Snow

That must be a… bird ruler?

Famed Ornithologist. As so you don’t have to hop on Google, that’s “bird fucker.” Well, bird enthusiast technically, but that’s only because they can fly and thus are difficult to catch. But the guy really loved birds. Loved them enough to write over 50 goddamn articles on them. And not just on his blog, but in respected bird fucking journals, so they had to be peer reviewed. If things on the Internet had to be peer reviewed for accuracy and bias, there wouldn’t be a single goddamn thing on the Internet.

FEB. 16 – Travis

I have no idea if this chimp is Travis the chimp. I couldn’t possibly care less.

Again with the animals having giant ass wiki pages. Travis the chimp who was a famous actor-chimp killed his trainers friend, and because of it got a goddamn 1500 word + wiki page. I too would kill for a 1500 word wiki page.

MAR. 7 – Tullio Pinelli

Screenwriter and practicing Nosferatu

The surreal works of Frederico Fellini wouldn’t have been what they were without Pinelli. He was the screenwriter behind such bizarre Italian classics as I Vitelloni, La Strada, La Dolce Vita, and 81/2. But don’t worry, you don’t need to have heard of any of those unless you’re a cocky know-it-all film student. And even then, you still probably wouldn’t have seen any of them.

MAR. 7 – Jimmy Boyd

That is actually the smile of pain and deep, deep sorrow.

When Jimmy was 12, he recorded “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” What most people didn’t know was that it was a true story, and the song was not some cute, semi-romantic Christmas jingle but in fact a form of therapy that Jimmy was undergoing to deal with the mental anguished cause by discovering that his mother was a cheating whore at such a young age. The session was then sold to a record label by his unscrupulous psychiatrist.

MAR. 22 – Abismo Negro

It’s like if Mr. Universe, a Power Ranger and Death from Bill and Ted melded together.

While his real name is the almost-painfully boring Andres Alejandro Gonzales, his Luchador name was Abismo Negro, which is so pants-shittingly awesome and terrifying I would never go by anything else if I were him. In English, it means Black Abyss, which is creepy enough as it is, but in Spanish, I think it automatically makes him some sort of vampire lord.

APR. 2 – John King

When I think I instruments that you could be proud of being know for playing, Ukulele ranks right down thåere with Theremin and Washboard, but John King said “who cares that it’s embarrassing, I want to be just like Tiny Tim.” And then he said, “except not horrifying” and then decided to play classical music on the ukulele.

APR. 12 – Marilyn Chambers

Will always be remembered for breaking barriers. Hot, sweaty interracial barriers.

The star of one of the world’s first widely-distributed porn films, Behind The Green Door, Chamber’s accomplishments can be boiled down to two things, both of which were seen in BTGD. First of all, she was a civil rights proponent by desegregating porn with the very first interracial sex scene. So, one might call her a hero. Also, she was in a surreal cum-shot scene that showed semen flying through the air over and over again for seven minutes and landing on her face. Yup, she was an American hero.

APR. 25 – Beatrice Arthur

While she may not be “little known” (after all, she was known inaccurately as ‘That One Golden Girl who was Actually a Man*’), you probably didn’t remember she was dead. I mean, not to be cruel, but I kinda thought she died years ago, so when I learned she died this year, I had already prematurely dealt with that pain. [* This is incorrect. She wasn’t the one golden girl who was actually a man. Estelle Getty was also a man.]

APR. 26 – Hans Holzer

Anyone who picked up a book on the paranormal when they were a kid is going “that name sounds familiar.” Well that’s because Hans Holzer is the fucking man! A ghost hunter, a demon investigator, and a prolific author about both hobbies, Hans Holzer made every kid want to study the supernatural long before the X-Files even existed.

MAY 1 – Danny Gans

Its like an M.C. Escher painting but… weirder.

Remember that time you went to Vegas, and wanted to go to a magic show, but Siegfried and Roy had already been mauled into a coma and not only was David Copperfield a sex offender but also cost $10,000 per ticket? And so you then got Danny Gans tickets? And when it was over you were like, “oh… okay… I guess. Huh. Whatever.” Anyway, he ODed.

JUN. 9 – Michael Roof

Do you remember XXX with Vin Diesel and XXX: State Of The Union? Well, in those movies, do you remember the nerdy sidekick character? Sure he was unnecessary and dorky, but he was fun, and seemed like he could have been pretty funny with some good material. Yeah, he hung himself at age 32. That… that really sucks. What’s weird? 6 days after David Carradine died from hanging, although the circumstances were far different. I think Roof’s death was less hookers and masturbation related.

JUN. 25 – Michael Jackson

We were unable to find any photos of Mr. Jackson. 

Yeah, THAT Michael Jackson. He’s dead. Weird huh? It seems like that would have been covered by at least the local press. Hmm. Well whatever.

have found secret documents that not only will old people be at risk, they will be targeted for execution.

“The documents that we found prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Obama is going to use teams of ninjas to assassinate everyone of Medicare age,” revealed Fox News commentator Steve Doocy (pronounced: Douche-EE) during a recent broadcast.

With that smile he looks like a (Douch-EE)

When reached for comment, President Obama said “That’s ridiculous. We simply don’t have enough government ninjas to go and find all old people, we would have to hire a group of contract ninjas. Why are you looking at me like that? I was obviously joking…”

“Obama is going to hire contract killers!” Said Steve Doocy, on the next day’s FOX broadcast. “He says so himself.” Doocy then played a brief excerpt of Obama’s answer from the previous day.

Obama might even join in on the carnage

According to Doocy, the plan has other provisions that have been kept from the Congress and Senate. These include:

-All United States puppies will be rounded up and shot.

-Any White Anglo Saxon Protestant churches will be turned into Satanist Convents.

-Smoking weed will not only be legalized by mandatory.

-All children will be forced to go to Sex class. No, not Sex Ed, just sex. Where they will have sex.

“And we know all of these are true because someone sent them to us in an e-mail,” said Doocy. “Our listeners wouldn’t lie.”

“He will create an organized strike team that will use car bombs, lasers, ninjas and African snake monsters to kill anyone who is over fifty years old!” Screamed Konservative Konciousness Kollective president Richard Dukes. “And do you know why? So that anyone who witnessed his Kenyan birth wouldn’t be able to talk about it!”

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump in. “Dukes is right! Iraq Hussein Osama is trying to hide the evidence! He doesn’t want any of us to know that we was actually born from the pagan African soil, like a Kenyan Golem sent to America so that he can get revenge on all of us god fearing white males for Slavery! Witchdoctors birthed him, bathed him in the blood of bison and sent him on a murderous mission of hate and desegregation!”

Limbaugh then fell to the floor, shaking and crying in an Oxycontin-induced fit.

“Here is all we know for fact,” said Doocy, three days after the initial broadcast that revealed the secret provisions. “Barak Obama is actually a mythological African Monster hell bent on instituting white slavery and killing any one who may know the horrible truth. Also, he eats puppies, wants to blow up your grandparents and is probably gay.

Fox News Artist’s depiction of Obama in the early years

CNN and MSNBC quickly jumped in on the story because A) 24 hours is a lot of time to fill with stuff that is “true”, and B) They can.