DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Now, however, Google seems to be intentionally laughing in their faces with their new maps that use until-now unknown X-Ray technology that takes intricate pictures of the insides of people’s homes, showing everything they own. And instead of updating these maps every few months, they are using a vast array of floating cameras that will fly around taking moment-by-moment updated pictures. Los Angeles and New York are the first two trial cities, the residents of which are less than thrilled.

“So what? People on Google are going to get to watch when I’m going to the bathroom?” Asked LA Resident Drew West.

“That’s a really short-sighted comment,” said Dean Walton, director of the GoogleMaps HOMES program. “We won’t just show people going to the bathroom, but also people banging, shooting drugs, beating their wives and every other thing that no one wants us to see.”

Walton then went on to begin muttering “then we will have all the knowledge. Yes, yes, all the knowledge in the world!” His maniacal laughing and evil hand wringing signaled the obvious end to the interview.

Google also revealed several other projects, including a plan to unveil a police force made entirely out of floating metal spheres with laser turrets that will enforce Google’s Terms of Service with deadly force, and a plan that will map people’s thoughts and intentions using their warehouses full of enslaved pre-cognitive psychics.

All I ever hear about on CNN and ABC and CSPAN and especially FOX is how wonderful other cultures and languages are, and how limited and juvenile American English is. The other day, my English “teacher” told that that English is derived from German, and is therefore “not a romance language.” That offends me to my very patriotic core. So what if it’s “linguistically accurate”? I know English is a romance language, because when I hear it I get turned on. I’m aroused most of the time, and this can be the only explanation. Anyway, when I told this to my teacher he became “uncomfortable” and had campus security escort me out.

Anyway, all of this is not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am here to give the English language a little boost. I always hear that other languages have words so complex that simply can’t be translated into English. For example, the Eskimos have 9000 words for snow, some only one letter long; others take entire pages to spell. This is why the English language is wonderful in my opinion. While they have one word meaning “thin snow” and another meaning “fluffy snow” we simply have the word “snow” and then adjectives to get the same god damn point across if it’s necessary. Usually, it’s not necessary. Who the fuck lives in snow now days? Eskimos? That’s because those people are sadly retarded. Want to know how I know that? They need 9000 words for frozen water.

Look, here is what I’m trying to get to, using my mastery of the English language, I have discarded all of it and just decided to make up random words that I have arbitrarily invented and only loosely have a connection to any form of oral communication. So, without further ado, 10 definitions to complex words I’ve made up and are too complex to be translated to any other language.

Tavernition [Tav-ern-ish-on]- The feeling of foreboding when you know you’ll be hitting the bars and only bad things are to follow when you start drinking.

Knarcking [Nar-king]- Rough sex that accidentally leads to a stripper’s death, even if a stripper wasn’t involved in the sex.

Shegars [She-gars]- Fruit-flavored cigars or cigarellos that are only smoked by women and gay men.

Shood [Shoe-d]- Food with absolutely NO nutritional value and is so hedonistic that it seems ridiculous i.e.-Taco Bell Famous Bowls.

Vokanger [Vo-cane-gar]- An intense rage directed at all around you due to the stupidity of your bosses at work.

Ubbered [Eww-burred]- boredom unlike any other, caused by having a class with a mono-tone teacher who specializes in a topic no one could ever care about even if they were paid to care. And, like, paid a lot.

Jankered [Jane-kurd]- When a girl is obsessed with you, and makes sure you never leave her side. Like “whipped”, but she uses violence instead of her Wang Polisher.

Gknawgina [Naw-gy-nah]- A painfully tight vagina, that feels like it’s biting down on your knob. Often found in virgins, anorexic girls and aliens from the planet SEX.* NASA wasn’t too creative with that one.

Gleeb [Glee-b]- A wet, disgusting, explosive sneeze, often used to spread disease.

Spricks- [Spuh-ricks]- Unbelievably stupid jackasses. Super Pricks. They are the guys who try to steal your girlfriend. While you are there. While you are having sex with her. They don’t care. Also, the same guys who used to spit milk in the weak kids face and then spread rumors he had splooge on his face. Sure, they are funny. But they need to be castrated for the good of the world.

We all know that some horrible, flame-engulfing, blood-spewing, civilization-ending event is just around the corner. Some of us believe it will be nuclear holocaust due to our cavalier (read: dickish) attitude with other countries, while other believe it will come when Jesus returns and while the Christians rise to heaven the dead will walk the earth and eat all the Jews, Atheists and Muslims. And other religions as well I’m sure, but I figure those Rapture people mostly care about making that trifecta suffer the most.

Whatever the case may be, whether were fighting off radioactive mutants or  zombies returned from the grave by the loving peaceful Jesus, we can all agree that within a decade, were going to have to be fighting hordes of SOMETHING, probably in a barren, desert hellscape. And for that, you need to be prepared.

FIRST THINGS FIRST:

Waking up in a burned out husk of a building, sleeping on some moth-eaten blankets layed out over a wood palette, if you want to keep your head on your shoulders and your blood in your body, your going to need to figure out what the situation is, and what your biggest problems are. These are going to break down into one of three categories.

Roving Hordes: Whether it’s cannibalistic mutant rapists, wasteland thieves, or mindless zombies, they are going to be traveling in deadly, deadly groups that you should avoid at all costs. Most of your time will be spent hiding from these groups.

Shortages: In the desert wasteland, water will be a precious as gold. People will hunt and kill for some H2O. Also, they might want to hunt and kill for gasoline because the survival of nomadic groups will rely on their transportation. Also, you can forget about internet access and television, but don’t let this make you suicidal.

Fascist Dystopia: If you’re lucky, and I mean really lucky, there will still be enough people to rebuild small enclaves of society. However, with that old reset button firmly and irreversibly pressed, people will naturally become power-hungry and use fear and military power to enslave those who live within their borders. This would be a best-case post-apocalypse scenario.

CLOTHES:

There are two kinds of people in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and two kinds only. You will have to choose which suits you best before you change choice which suit fits you best.

Nomadic Warrior Hero: Are you a lone fighter, traveling from place to place just looking to eek out a survival by collecting water and stealing food? Do people often come to you looking for help fighting off bands of monsters but you just want to keep your head down and mind your own business to stay alive? And then you ultimately suppress your selfishness and risk your life saving the helpless fools? Well then, you’re going to want a lot of leather. And I don’t just mean boots or a jacket. Your going to want leather pants, boots, shirt, jacket, gloves, headbands, and underwear if you can find em. Nothing feels better in the hot, unrelenting sun like the feel of soft, cool, jet-black leather covering every inch of your body. Also, to keep things lightweight, wear lots of chains and metal spikes.

The perfect outfit. It looks so comfy.

Wasteland Psycho: If your going around raping and murdering innocent people, fashion dictates that you do it while wearing lots of BDSM straps and a hockey mask. Your going to need a strap for your rusty, blood-soaked machete, and you should just wear that across your back or your bare chest. You should also be literally covered in spikes, anywhere you can bolt them.

WEAPONS:

Your going to have to choose between projectile weapons which can be used at long range, or if you want to get up close and personal and get blood all over your sun-baked clothing.

Projectile Weapons: Projectile weapons will both be rare and readily available depending on where you are. If your in the South, it should be no problem as a 2000 census says each citizen in Florida owns at least 12 guns. However, you have to assume that most ammunition has been used in whatever conflict happened to create this situation, and in the ensuring riot/rapefest/bloodbath. But your going to want to have a sawed off shot-gun, if at all possible. Sure, it only carries two rounds at a time and have a decently long reload time, but it looks really cool! Also, if you run out of bullets you can club people to death with it. Also, maybe some sort of wrist-mounted cross bow thing. Because it just makes sense.

It makes so much sense.

Melee Weapons: Humans have always been at war with each other. From the first time a man picked up a rock or a stick, they have used it to bash in the skull of their neighbor. Well, sometimes your ancestors got things right. Pick up and stick, tie a rock to it, and bash in people’s skulls.

SHELTER:

More likely than not, the world will be made up of three kinds of places. Barren wastelands, ruins, and cobbled-together cities. Each will provide different places that would be good to live in. But remember, you don’t want to stay in any one place too long. Here are a number of places that work as a hide-out and why.

Ruined Buildings: Your going to want to find a building, preferably one with a number of floors. The higher-up you are, the harder it will be for killers, mutants and zombies to find you and eat you. Burned out Casinos (especially those in Vegas) are a plus, mostly because of how fucking awesome that sounds.

Tents: Easy to put up, easy to take with you, and small. Cover it with leaves and you have a camouflaged hut. Of course plastic and cloth aren’t exactly the most protective of all building materials. In fact, there are no building materials less protective.

Gasoline Refineries: In the future, gasoline will be very important to nomads and dangerous psychotics. So make sure to put your life in needless jeopardy by blindly defending a gas refinery. Also, because of how precious gasoline is, defend it by building an unnecessarily large and dangerous flame-thrower tower that wastes hundreds of gallons of the stuff. And, if at all possible, hang out in the open a lot, just walking around the fortified refinery, in very noticeable all-white outfits while in range of the deadly, homemade projectiles the psychos outside have crafted specifically to kill you and take over your refinery.

With these tips, anyone can survive the end of the world as we know it. Well, not everyone. After all, even if you’re the hero of the wasteland your going to have to kill a hell of a lot of people. 

JAN. 2 – Maria de Jesus

Oldest living woman (well, I mean until… you know). Notable for being the only verified person who lived from 1893 to 2009, and winner of the ‘most insanely-religious name’ award. (This was a bit of a surprise as everyone thought the award would go to the German-born God Von Jesus-Moses.)

JAN. 4 – India

The black cat belonging to George W. Bush. This is notable because the wikipedia article on the cat is almost 400 words. On a fucking cat. World famous British Historian Jon Latimer (who died that same day) had a wikipedia page that was 220 words like. India was a cat, I would like to remind you. Also, 2 pictures of it. No pictures of Latimer. To be fair, a 21-year-old female Trinidadian boxer named Giselle Salandy’s wikipage was almost 2000 words, but she died tragically in a car accident. Also: SHE WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!

JAN. 6 – Alan Geisler

One hell of a contribution to the world

This man invented red onion sauce, one of the most popular condiments used on hotdogs by New York pushcart hotdog vendors. Which means he will now be eaten as meat for rats instead of making a condiment that is eaten on top of rat meat. Subtle difference.

JAN. 11 – Freddie Mack

Sure he was a British boxer, but his death is an amazing metaphor for the quickly crashing economy and devastation recession that will inevitably lead to a cannibal-strewn hellscape known as the Cursed Earth, formerly New York and Los Angeles.

JAN. 27 – John Updike

Aww. He looks like my grandpa. That made me sad for a second.

Finally! Someone anyone has ever heard of. Updike was a widely respected author of a prolific number of books with a wide variety of themes and concepts that he explored with beauty and honesty. And to us, he will most famously be known for his brief cameo on the Simpsons when Krusty the Clown yells at him, “Shut up, Updike.” Which, when we were young made us laugh because it sounds funny, and has the word dike. HAHAHA! That’s still funny.

FEB. 3 – Ben Blank

No, thats Brian Williams. Ben Blank is responsible for what’s over his shoulder.

The name might not sound familiar, but the shit-snowball he created can be seen any time you turn on a news program. Blank was the innovator of the “news graphic” such as the news logo displayed on screen and the graphic displayed over a news anchor’s shoulder. Now we have nothing but swoops and noises and CGI and absolutely no fucking news whatsofucking ever. I know it wasn’t your fault, Ben, that you ruined news reporting forever, but fuck you very much.

FEB. 4 – David Snow

That must be a… bird ruler?

Famed Ornithologist. As so you don’t have to hop on Google, that’s “bird fucker.” Well, bird enthusiast technically, but that’s only because they can fly and thus are difficult to catch. But the guy really loved birds. Loved them enough to write over 50 goddamn articles on them. And not just on his blog, but in respected bird fucking journals, so they had to be peer reviewed. If things on the Internet had to be peer reviewed for accuracy and bias, there wouldn’t be a single goddamn thing on the Internet.

FEB. 16 – Travis

I have no idea if this chimp is Travis the chimp. I couldn’t possibly care less.

Again with the animals having giant ass wiki pages. Travis the chimp who was a famous actor-chimp killed his trainers friend, and because of it got a goddamn 1500 word + wiki page. I too would kill for a 1500 word wiki page.

MAR. 7 – Tullio Pinelli

Screenwriter and practicing Nosferatu

The surreal works of Frederico Fellini wouldn’t have been what they were without Pinelli. He was the screenwriter behind such bizarre Italian classics as I Vitelloni, La Strada, La Dolce Vita, and 81/2. But don’t worry, you don’t need to have heard of any of those unless you’re a cocky know-it-all film student. And even then, you still probably wouldn’t have seen any of them.

MAR. 7 – Jimmy Boyd

That is actually the smile of pain and deep, deep sorrow.

When Jimmy was 12, he recorded “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” What most people didn’t know was that it was a true story, and the song was not some cute, semi-romantic Christmas jingle but in fact a form of therapy that Jimmy was undergoing to deal with the mental anguished cause by discovering that his mother was a cheating whore at such a young age. The session was then sold to a record label by his unscrupulous psychiatrist.

MAR. 22 – Abismo Negro

It’s like if Mr. Universe, a Power Ranger and Death from Bill and Ted melded together.

While his real name is the almost-painfully boring Andres Alejandro Gonzales, his Luchador name was Abismo Negro, which is so pants-shittingly awesome and terrifying I would never go by anything else if I were him. In English, it means Black Abyss, which is creepy enough as it is, but in Spanish, I think it automatically makes him some sort of vampire lord.

APR. 2 – John King

When I think I instruments that you could be proud of being know for playing, Ukulele ranks right down thåere with Theremin and Washboard, but John King said “who cares that it’s embarrassing, I want to be just like Tiny Tim.” And then he said, “except not horrifying” and then decided to play classical music on the ukulele.

APR. 12 – Marilyn Chambers

Will always be remembered for breaking barriers. Hot, sweaty interracial barriers.

The star of one of the world’s first widely-distributed porn films, Behind The Green Door, Chamber’s accomplishments can be boiled down to two things, both of which were seen in BTGD. First of all, she was a civil rights proponent by desegregating porn with the very first interracial sex scene. So, one might call her a hero. Also, she was in a surreal cum-shot scene that showed semen flying through the air over and over again for seven minutes and landing on her face. Yup, she was an American hero.

APR. 25 – Beatrice Arthur

While she may not be “little known” (after all, she was known inaccurately as ‘That One Golden Girl who was Actually a Man*’), you probably didn’t remember she was dead. I mean, not to be cruel, but I kinda thought she died years ago, so when I learned she died this year, I had already prematurely dealt with that pain. [* This is incorrect. She wasn’t the one golden girl who was actually a man. Estelle Getty was also a man.]

APR. 26 – Hans Holzer

Anyone who picked up a book on the paranormal when they were a kid is going “that name sounds familiar.” Well that’s because Hans Holzer is the fucking man! A ghost hunter, a demon investigator, and a prolific author about both hobbies, Hans Holzer made every kid want to study the supernatural long before the X-Files even existed.

MAY 1 – Danny Gans

Its like an M.C. Escher painting but… weirder.

Remember that time you went to Vegas, and wanted to go to a magic show, but Siegfried and Roy had already been mauled into a coma and not only was David Copperfield a sex offender but also cost $10,000 per ticket? And so you then got Danny Gans tickets? And when it was over you were like, “oh… okay… I guess. Huh. Whatever.” Anyway, he ODed.

JUN. 9 – Michael Roof

Do you remember XXX with Vin Diesel and XXX: State Of The Union? Well, in those movies, do you remember the nerdy sidekick character? Sure he was unnecessary and dorky, but he was fun, and seemed like he could have been pretty funny with some good material. Yeah, he hung himself at age 32. That… that really sucks. What’s weird? 6 days after David Carradine died from hanging, although the circumstances were far different. I think Roof’s death was less hookers and masturbation related.

JUN. 25 – Michael Jackson

We were unable to find any photos of Mr. Jackson. 

Yeah, THAT Michael Jackson. He’s dead. Weird huh? It seems like that would have been covered by at least the local press. Hmm. Well whatever.

have found secret documents that not only will old people be at risk, they will be targeted for execution.

“The documents that we found prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Obama is going to use teams of ninjas to assassinate everyone of Medicare age,” revealed Fox News commentator Steve Doocy (pronounced: Douche-EE) during a recent broadcast.

With that smile he looks like a (Douch-EE)

When reached for comment, President Obama said “That’s ridiculous. We simply don’t have enough government ninjas to go and find all old people, we would have to hire a group of contract ninjas. Why are you looking at me like that? I was obviously joking…”

“Obama is going to hire contract killers!” Said Steve Doocy, on the next day’s FOX broadcast. “He says so himself.” Doocy then played a brief excerpt of Obama’s answer from the previous day.

Obama might even join in on the carnage

According to Doocy, the plan has other provisions that have been kept from the Congress and Senate. These include:

-All United States puppies will be rounded up and shot.

-Any White Anglo Saxon Protestant churches will be turned into Satanist Convents.

-Smoking weed will not only be legalized by mandatory.

-All children will be forced to go to Sex class. No, not Sex Ed, just sex. Where they will have sex.

“And we know all of these are true because someone sent them to us in an e-mail,” said Doocy. “Our listeners wouldn’t lie.”

“He will create an organized strike team that will use car bombs, lasers, ninjas and African snake monsters to kill anyone who is over fifty years old!” Screamed Konservative Konciousness Kollective president Richard Dukes. “And do you know why? So that anyone who witnessed his Kenyan birth wouldn’t be able to talk about it!”

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump in. “Dukes is right! Iraq Hussein Osama is trying to hide the evidence! He doesn’t want any of us to know that we was actually born from the pagan African soil, like a Kenyan Golem sent to America so that he can get revenge on all of us god fearing white males for Slavery! Witchdoctors birthed him, bathed him in the blood of bison and sent him on a murderous mission of hate and desegregation!”

Limbaugh then fell to the floor, shaking and crying in an Oxycontin-induced fit.

“Here is all we know for fact,” said Doocy, three days after the initial broadcast that revealed the secret provisions. “Barak Obama is actually a mythological African Monster hell bent on instituting white slavery and killing any one who may know the horrible truth. Also, he eats puppies, wants to blow up your grandparents and is probably gay.

Fox News Artist’s depiction of Obama in the early years

CNN and MSNBC quickly jumped in on the story because A) 24 hours is a lot of time to fill with stuff that is “true”, and B) They can.