Don’t Rape Anything ANYWHERE, But Especially Not Over The Balcony
If you rape something over the balcony, and the door shuts behind you, you’ll be locked out. This is just a precautionary notice.
Archive for stupid
A Lack Of Creativity Among DVD Cover Artists
Holy shit. Just, wow. And these were right next to eachother too at Blockbuster. Look at that font, and the same color as well! Look at the body poses, each one laying face first on the ground, clawing at their phones in vain while a looming figure approaches them from behind. This is just pathetic. But, I guess I haven’t ever heard of either of these films, they were Straight-To-DVD, so its understandable that they wouldn’t want to spend too much of their budget on creative or original art (or title writing.) Hell, for all I know they are the same fucking movie. But I bet big budget movies wouldn’t have such a lack of creativity. Oh, wait…
Motherfucker loves doing wacky shit in funny costumes above or below huge red font, thats the only explanation I can think of. I mean, one or two covers is one thing, but really? Every damn cover from the last 15 years needs to look the same? And while the art on the cover isn’t all identical, at least not like those first examples, every one of those looks the same. It’s always either a giant mug of Eddie Murphy, usually dressed up in cooky shit, or its him interacting with other ZAAANY characters in a family friendly way. And, I would like to point out, other than Bowfinger, every one of these is after his “good” period. It’s very obvious that Eddie Murphy’s decline in humor matched his DVD and VHS cover’s rise in the use of red font. 48 Hours? Nope, no red block letters. Coming to America? Nope. How about Beverly Hills Cop? Really? Thats not the same generic family-friendly font either? Wow.
Please Eddie Murphy, switch to a White Copperplate, perhaps a yellow Courier. And don’t come to me with this “Imagine That was a blue font” shit, because fuck you. That was “Little Kid Movie” font, and you know it.
Or better yet Eddie? Be dirty again. Be a little racist and edgy. Beverly Hills Cop 4 better not take place in a fucking Amusement Park again, i swear to God.
“Celebrity” Deaths You Didn’t Hear About In The 1st Half Of 2009
JAN. 2 – Maria de Jesus
Oldest living woman (well, I mean until… you know). Notable for being the only verified person who lived from 1893 to 2009, and winner of the ‘most insanely-religious name’ award. (This was a bit of a surprise as everyone thought the award would go to the German-born God Von Jesus-Moses.)
JAN. 4 – India
The black cat belonging to George W. Bush. This is notable because the wikipedia article on the cat is almost 400 words. On a fucking cat. World famous British Historian Jon Latimer (who died that same day) had a wikipedia page that was 220 words like. India was a cat, I would like to remind you. Also, 2 pictures of it. No pictures of Latimer. To be fair, a 21-year-old female Trinidadian boxer named Giselle Salandy’s wikipage was almost 2000 words, but she died tragically in a car accident. Also: SHE WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!
JAN. 6 – Alan Geisler
One hell of a contribution to the world
This man invented red onion sauce, one of the most popular condiments used on hotdogs by New York pushcart hotdog vendors. Which means he will now be eaten as meat for rats instead of making a condiment that is eaten on top of rat meat. Subtle difference.
JAN. 11 – Freddie Mack
Sure he was a British boxer, but his death is an amazing metaphor for the quickly crashing economy and devastation recession that will inevitably lead to a cannibal-strewn hellscape known as the Cursed Earth, formerly New York and Los Angeles.
JAN. 27 – John Updike
Aww. He looks like my grandpa. That made me sad for a second.
Finally! Someone anyone has ever heard of. Updike was a widely respected author of a prolific number of books with a wide variety of themes and concepts that he explored with beauty and honesty. And to us, he will most famously be known for his brief cameo on the Simpsons when Krusty the Clown yells at him, “Shut up, Updike.” Which, when we were young made us laugh because it sounds funny, and has the word dike. HAHAHA! That’s still funny.
FEB. 3 – Ben Blank
No, thats Brian Williams. Ben Blank is responsible for what’s over his shoulder.
The name might not sound familiar, but the shit-snowball he created can be seen any time you turn on a news program. Blank was the innovator of the “news graphic” such as the news logo displayed on screen and the graphic displayed over a news anchor’s shoulder. Now we have nothing but swoops and noises and CGI and absolutely no fucking news whatsofucking ever. I know it wasn’t your fault, Ben, that you ruined news reporting forever, but fuck you very much.
FEB. 4 – David Snow
That must be a… bird ruler?
Famed Ornithologist. As so you don’t have to hop on Google, that’s “bird fucker.” Well, bird enthusiast technically, but that’s only because they can fly and thus are difficult to catch. But the guy really loved birds. Loved them enough to write over 50 goddamn articles on them. And not just on his blog, but in respected bird fucking journals, so they had to be peer reviewed. If things on the Internet had to be peer reviewed for accuracy and bias, there wouldn’t be a single goddamn thing on the Internet.
FEB. 16 – Travis
I have no idea if this chimp is Travis the chimp. I couldn’t possibly care less.
Again with the animals having giant ass wiki pages. Travis the chimp who was a famous actor-chimp killed his trainers friend, and because of it got a goddamn 1500 word + wiki page. I too would kill for a 1500 word wiki page.
MAR. 7 – Tullio Pinelli
Screenwriter and practicing Nosferatu
The surreal works of Frederico Fellini wouldn’t have been what they were without Pinelli. He was the screenwriter behind such bizarre Italian classics as I Vitelloni, La Strada, La Dolce Vita, and 81/2. But don’t worry, you don’t need to have heard of any of those unless you’re a cocky know-it-all film student. And even then, you still probably wouldn’t have seen any of them.
MAR. 7 – Jimmy Boyd
That is actually the smile of pain and deep, deep sorrow.
When Jimmy was 12, he recorded “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” What most people didn’t know was that it was a true story, and the song was not some cute, semi-romantic Christmas jingle but in fact a form of therapy that Jimmy was undergoing to deal with the mental anguished cause by discovering that his mother was a cheating whore at such a young age. The session was then sold to a record label by his unscrupulous psychiatrist.
MAR. 22 – Abismo Negro
It’s like if Mr. Universe, a Power Ranger and Death from Bill and Ted melded together.
While his real name is the almost-painfully boring Andres Alejandro Gonzales, his Luchador name was Abismo Negro, which is so pants-shittingly awesome and terrifying I would never go by anything else if I were him. In English, it means Black Abyss, which is creepy enough as it is, but in Spanish, I think it automatically makes him some sort of vampire lord.
APR. 2 – John King
When I think I instruments that you could be proud of being know for playing, Ukulele ranks right down thåere with Theremin and Washboard, but John King said “who cares that it’s embarrassing, I want to be just like Tiny Tim.” And then he said, “except not horrifying” and then decided to play classical music on the ukulele.
APR. 12 – Marilyn Chambers
Will always be remembered for breaking barriers. Hot, sweaty interracial barriers.
The star of one of the world’s first widely-distributed porn films, Behind The Green Door, Chamber’s accomplishments can be boiled down to two things, both of which were seen in BTGD. First of all, she was a civil rights proponent by desegregating porn with the very first interracial sex scene. So, one might call her a hero. Also, she was in a surreal cum-shot scene that showed semen flying through the air over and over again for seven minutes and landing on her face. Yup, she was an American hero.
APR. 25 – Beatrice Arthur
While she may not be “little known” (after all, she was known inaccurately as ‘That One Golden Girl who was Actually a Man*’), you probably didn’t remember she was dead. I mean, not to be cruel, but I kinda thought she died years ago, so when I learned she died this year, I had already prematurely dealt with that pain. [* This is incorrect. She wasn’t the one golden girl who was actually a man. Estelle Getty was also a man.]
APR. 26 – Hans Holzer
Anyone who picked up a book on the paranormal when they were a kid is going “that name sounds familiar.” Well that’s because Hans Holzer is the fucking man! A ghost hunter, a demon investigator, and a prolific author about both hobbies, Hans Holzer made every kid want to study the supernatural long before the X-Files even existed.
MAY 1 – Danny Gans
Its like an M.C. Escher painting but… weirder.
Remember that time you went to Vegas, and wanted to go to a magic show, but Siegfried and Roy had already been mauled into a coma and not only was David Copperfield a sex offender but also cost $10,000 per ticket? And so you then got Danny Gans tickets? And when it was over you were like, “oh… okay… I guess. Huh. Whatever.” Anyway, he ODed.
JUN. 9 – Michael Roof
Do you remember XXX with Vin Diesel and XXX: State Of The Union? Well, in those movies, do you remember the nerdy sidekick character? Sure he was unnecessary and dorky, but he was fun, and seemed like he could have been pretty funny with some good material. Yeah, he hung himself at age 32. That… that really sucks. What’s weird? 6 days after David Carradine died from hanging, although the circumstances were far different. I think Roof’s death was less hookers and masturbation related.
JUN. 25 – Michael Jackson
We were unable to find any photos of Mr. Jackson.
Yeah, THAT Michael Jackson. He’s dead. Weird huh? It seems like that would have been covered by at least the local press. Hmm. Well whatever.
FOX: "Obama wants to assassinate everyone over 50"
For weeks, accusations have swirled as to how President Obama’s health care plan is going to lead to the death of senior citizens who will be denied procedures because of their age. Now, FOX News and a Conservative Watchdog group known as the Konservative Konciousness Kollective
have found secret documents that not only will old people be at risk, they will be targeted for execution.
“The documents that we found prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that President Obama is going to use teams of ninjas to assassinate everyone of Medicare age,” revealed Fox News commentator Steve Doocy (pronounced: Douche-EE) during a recent broadcast.
With that smile he looks like a (Douch-EE)
When reached for comment, President Obama said “That’s ridiculous. We simply don’t have enough government ninjas to go and find all old people, we would have to hire a group of contract ninjas. Why are you looking at me like that? I was obviously joking…”
“Obama is going to hire contract killers!” Said Steve Doocy, on the next day’s FOX broadcast. “He says so himself.” Doocy then played a brief excerpt of Obama’s answer from the previous day.
Obama might even join in on the carnage
According to Doocy, the plan has other provisions that have been kept from the Congress and Senate. These include:
-All United States puppies will be rounded up and shot.
-Any White Anglo Saxon Protestant churches will be turned into Satanist Convents.
-Smoking weed will not only be legalized by mandatory.
“And we know all of these are true because someone sent them to us in an e-mail,” said Doocy. “Our listeners wouldn’t lie.”
“He will create an organized strike team that will use car bombs, lasers, ninjas and African snake monsters to kill anyone who is over fifty years old!” Screamed Konservative Konciousness Kollective president Richard Dukes. “And do you know why? So that anyone who witnessed his Kenyan birth wouldn’t be able to talk about it!”
Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump in. “Dukes is right! Iraq Hussein Osama is trying to hide the evidence! He doesn’t want any of us to know that we was actually born from the pagan African soil, like a Kenyan Golem sent to America so that he can get revenge on all of us god fearing white males for Slavery! Witchdoctors birthed him, bathed him in the blood of bison and sent him on a murderous mission of hate and desegregation!”
Limbaugh then fell to the floor, shaking and crying in an Oxycontin-induced fit.
“Here is all we know for fact,” said Doocy, three days after the initial broadcast that revealed the secret provisions. “Barak Obama is actually a mythological African Monster hell bent on instituting white slavery and killing any one who may know the horrible truth. Also, he eats puppies, wants to blow up your grandparents and is probably gay.
Fox News Artist’s depiction of Obama in the early years
CNN and MSNBC quickly jumped in on the story because A) 24 hours is a lot of time to fill with stuff that is “true”, and B) They can.
RadioShack Changes It’s Name To Something More Accurate.
Announced recently, RadioShack has changed it’s name to simply, The Shack. I couldn’t agree with this more. What better way to indicate to customers that they will be shopping at the shittiest, customer-hating-est, technology hovel in America than to name it after what to me sounds like a place homegrown terrorists camp inside of in the middle of the woods.
An actual RadioShack in Big Bear
Correct me if I’m wrong be isn’t RadioShack supposed to be a place to buy electronics? Is there anything less technologically advanced than the concept of a shack? It’s the lowest end of actual construction. I mean, sure you have your caves, your lean-tos and your nomadic tents, but I mean, once you get construction materials involved, Shacks were what people built right after they stopped hunting and gathering.
In a world where Frys and Best Buy exist (neither of which are great by the way) why would anyone even go to “The Shack?” Unless you want a set of rabbit ears that don’t even work or to have a conversation with a “sales man” who doesn’t know what a battery is, there is no goddamn reason to even think about walking into a “The Shack.”
HOLLYWOOD TO SPIT OUT TERRIBLE ‘BLADE RUNNER’ SEQUEL
In light of the recent success of films featuring Robots, such as Terminator: Salvation, The Day The Earth Stood Still, Transformers and the highly-anticipated Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, production has begun on the sequel to the classic Sci-Fi classic Blade Runner.
Blade Runner 2: Return of the Nexus will begin production in early January and producers hope to release it in early summer. Michael Bay is currently set to direct, with Bruckheimer producing. Ridley Scott and Blade Runner star Harrison Ford have sworn off the project, calling it “crass,” “meaningless,” and “retarded.”
Bruckheimer has come out vocally against these comments. “This is not your daddy’s Blade Runner. This will have massive-scale battles on the moon and will feature truly terrifying cyborgs, or whatever. It will really be a rollercoaster ride to fun!”
Pictured: Michael Bay’s idea of what Replicants should look like
For people who were emotionally or existentially confused by the original story of a man searching for his humanity in a heartless future, Bruckheimer promises no moral ambiguity in Blade Runner 2.
“Here’s all you need to know,” Bruckheimer said, during a press conference. “The people are the good guys, the robots or whatever are the bad guys, and they want to kill the hell out of each other.”
The film will take place 5 years after the events of the previous film, and will feature an entire cast of good-looking 20somethings fresh out of acting school. Casting Director Linda Hamm said she choose this route for two reasons.
“We really wanted to cast unknowns, like they did in the first Blade Runner,” said Hamm, who apparently didn’t know Harrison Ford had already been in two Star Wars films and Raiders of the Lost Arc before Blade Runner had even been made. “Also, I’ve read the script,” Hamm continued, “And no one really needs to act in it. It’s a lot of running and jumping and shooting. At least 80 percent of it is computer generated. We could cast this thing with monkeys and it would be about the same.”
Movie fans and films students the world over cried out in impotent, frustrated anger simultaneously when the news of this production was first posted on Variety.
“What? What the hell?” Screamed Victor Mandiri, a USC Film student when he read the news. “This is so demoralizing! Hollywood has NO imagination! What are they going to do next, remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?!”
When informed that they had already remade Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid last year, Mandiri began crying and jumped out it dorm window.
Yeah, they really did that.
Bruckheimer responded to the over-whelming negative response from fans and casual moviegoers alike.
“It doesn’t matter what these people say,” said Bruckheimer. “I’ve been making movies for decades. Trust me, if there are robots, shiny lights, gun fire and explosions people will show up in droves.”
No film critic or professor could be found who could argue Bruckheimer’s assertion. Most of them read it, attempted futilely to craft a response, but instead began sobbing hysterically.
PSYCHIATRISTS COMPETE WITH SCIENTOLOGY BY STARTING THEIR OWN CRAZY RELIGION
In a daring move by the American Psychiatric Association, they have created a new religion known as Psychotology, to contend with the amount of crazy generated by their bitter nemesis, the Church of Scientology.
They want to keep all of that except the ‘Science Based’ part.
The APA said their bravery was bolstered by the recent declaration by Wikipedia officials that bans any Scientology official from editing Wikipedia pages about the Church of Scientology. The APA has taken this hit and run with it, creating ‘Psychotology.’
Psychotology is a multi-tiered “educational training system” that encourages the practices of past-life exploration, peer counseling, and a hierarchy system that shows your rank in the church increase as you spend more money and convert more people. But they have also decided to craft a back story that gives Scientology a run for its money.
According to the newly “found” books of Psychotology, 11 trillion years ago, the planet was molded out of “life clay” by a giant inter-dimensional being known as “Zorg” who looks like a giant cloud with a thousand indescribable faces. Once creating Earth, or “Gleg’Ork” as Zorg called it, he captured a huge number of insects from a dimension that only he knew about. He threw those insects onto the planet, and then used them for slave labor. Their sweat filled our oceans, and their cries of anguish still resonate across the planet. Thos “evil vibrations” affect our blood and our mind, and they are the source of all our sadness and illnesses.
Meet Zorg. He was apparently a dick. Not a big surprise really..
“You have no idea how hard it was to come up with stuff crazy enough to compete with Scientology,” said Dr. Mary Steiner, co-founder of the Church of Psychotology. “I mean, they had some real good crazy going on there. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to live up to their insanity standards. I think we did a damn good job though.”
The main difference between the churches is that while Scientology is against psychology, and doesn’t believe medical drugs can be effective, instead insisting upon exercise and vitamins, Psychotology believes in moderate use of psychologically helpful drugs, and a healthy diet of vitamins and exercise.
“Were still freaking doctors,” said Steiner. “We don’t want people hooked on drugs. Were not monsters. We were worried about scientology hurting people. Those idiots don’t even believe in schizophrenia. SCHIZOPHRENIA!! Its a real thing! How do you not believe in proven medical science? That’s just nuts!”
According to Steiner, the Psychotology was created for people who still wanted that hint of crazy in their lives, but needed medical drugs to keep from dying.
“This Psychotology nonsense is ridiculous,” said Karl Walters, a Scientology official. “Giant inter-dimensional monsters? Their crying echoes giving us sadness? We all know sadness is created by alien ghosts living in our blood. These people are stupid. Also, I hear they are all criminals who molest children and eat babies. What are their crimes? What are YOUR crimes?!!”
As of press time, most Psychotology officials have made a number of Kevlar Vest purchases, and have all received permits to carry hand guns, just incase any retribution is sought.
*This article was originally published in my Drinking The Kool-Aid column in the University Times newspaper. Visit us at www.coolstatela.com.
