DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Fetish for landscapes.

0:16 – “Hey guys, could we have, uh, GOOD dialog?”

-”Good dialog costs more.”

-”Oh, okay. Fuck it nevermind.

0:23 – Is the movie done shooting? Like, do they have enough footage for a trailer? It seems like nothing be grand sweeping stock footage of landscapes.

0:25 – You know they are mysterious and dark, because of the cloaks and all.

0:27 – When your trying to make your main character scary, maybe making them an albino with pinkeye isn’t the way to go.

0:32 – The director really likes symmetry and really centered shots.

-“Well, no not really sir. That’s how he delivers every line.”

-“Well, write him more lines damn it! I need more dramatic whispering!”

0:41 – Yeah. More landscape. I think the setting has been established as fully as humanly possible.

0:44 – “Sir, we can’t write him any more lines to whisper dramatically, but we can have Taylor Lautner deliver every line with intense, nearly-silent gravitas.

-“Hmm… you know what? Can we have the broad whisper too? Fuck it, everyone whispers!

0:47 – She looks less than thrilled that he’s in love with her. Actually she just always looks less than thrilled.

0:50 – I want to watch these two argue in that tone of voice. No one would have any idea what anyone else was saying.

I go to Cal State University, Los Angeles. Our mascot is the illustrious Golden Eagle. Because we are essentially a commuter college, we never really had any school spirit. In an attempt to foster some, we built this giant Eagle statue (made of bronze by the way) in front of out University Bookstore.

That statue, installed the same year as our first round of tuition hikes, cost in the neighborhood of $30-50,000. We paid almost 50 grand for a giant cement penis to stand erect in the middle of the University’s main walkway.

Yeah, a penis. Look at it again. It’s got a rounded head and a cylindrical shaft. For fuck’s sake it’s even got a ridge around the ‘head.’ And don’t get me started about the bronze jizz erupting from the tip. Don’t believe me, look at it this way:

On March 4^th, students rallied around this giant phallic monument to misspent funds, and I doubt very many even knew about it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s hilarious that CSULA spent so much on a huge dick, but it also kind of pisses me off. No pun intended.

All opinions are valid.

Commentary in RED added to prove otherwise.

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Fight Club: A revolting film.

Reviewer: kenneth groom from Manchester, England.

Someone said that you either love or hate this film. Well I hated it. and I find it difficult to understand how anyone could do otherwise. It is an ugly, squalid, repulsive film about the dark side of human nature. Everything about it is depressing from the brutish thugs who spend their time bashing the hell out of each other, to the dirty, dank, derelict building in which they carry on their odious activity. And it’s unrealistic.

They would all soon end up in Intensive care with broken noses and their handsome faces reduced to pulp. And why should any handsome bloke volunteer to have this done to them? And suffer the pain that goes with it? It’s not only not realistic, it doesn’t make sense.

Not only do I hate this film but I find it inexplicable that someone of the calibre of Helena Bonham Carter should be willing to appear in it. It can have done her reputation no good (in my opinion). From the beauty of Merchant Ivory to this pretentious rubbish. What a come down. However, I must admit I didn’t see the whole film; I was so sickened I couldn’t watch any more.

Now, this gentlemen isn’t stupid. His spelling is top notch with crumpets and tea. However, I am sure that he will be happy to hear that the divine Helena Bonham Carter did not appear voluntarily in the movie. The director cleverly crossed out ‘Fight Club’ and replaced it with ‘Pride and Prejudice II’ on her copy of the script. He is quite the dastardly villain.

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A Clockwork Orange (Movie): Violent

Reviewer: A viewer from North Carolina

This movie is full of violence every 5 minutes and should not be viewed by anyone. The director of this film, who is now dead, was definitely on some kind of trip when he made this film. It is a total waste of film and should be destroyed. Don’t waste your money or time …

So I guess you can’t include “Drink every time something violent happens” in the official drinking game, because it happens too often. That’s a shame. But this destroying things that you don’t like thing sounds like a smashing idea. If we could add booze to it, it be the replacement hip new party thing.

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Thank god Kubrick is dead.

Reviewer: A viewer from Seattle, WA United States

I really have a hard time understanding all the raves about this movie. Most of the raves are from men. The type of men who would call “Thelma and Louise” a violent film.

I worked in a theatre when I was in college, and they had a showing of A Clockwork Orange. The audience for these showings was 100% male, most of whom looked like the kind of guys who couldn’t get a date and were extremely angry about it. A Clockwork Orange relieved some of that anger for them, especially the rape scene, which more than a few of them were chuckling at. These are the same morons you find on internet chat rooms – they’re such losers that they can’t show themselves in public. This movie, with its rampant miogyny, serves as vindication for guys who can’t get laid. So does the Howard Stern show. So does Maxim. And so it goes.

You think this movie is “Miogynistic?“

The author of the book by the same name was upset with Kubrick’s interpretation of his work – it was supposed to be an anti-rape, anti-violence book, and comes out as a pro-rape, pro-violence movie in the way that it glamourizes both behaviors.

I can’t agree more that Kubrick was “visually brillant” – however, in this case, and probably a few others, he is morally bankrupt.

“So it goes” is right. I met one of these rapscallions that the gentelemen is refering to, while walking home. I promptly took out my cane and beat him to an inch of his life. How did I know he was an evil practitioner of “miogyny”? He carried their unholy marker, the vile Maxim magazine. Luckily, I broke his spine before he could call the sacred Thelma and Louise a violent film. Though their arch lord Kubrick is dead, his minions still stalk the earth.

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American History X gives skins a bad name.

Reviewer: Christy from tennessee

OK this is a good movie , it has a good story on rascial prejudice and how our own hatred only ignites violence after violence. But I was perturbed by the use of “skinheads” over and over again , and how they were all presented as shaved headed doc marten wearing nazi’s. The characters in the films were neo-nazis , not skinheads. True skinheads are anti rascist working class people who believe in unity and family support. Skinheads were given a bad name by movies such as this who portrayed all of us skins as people who shave our heads and wear swastikas , and the media also ignited more violence from blacks on skins because they thought anyone who shaved their head and claimed to be a skin was a rascist. This film does the same. Constantly saying skinhead over and over. Now the film is great to watch in terms of it’s message , but it still gives us skins a bad reputation.

Yeah, it really let the ball drop after the long string of uplifting skinhead movies like The Littlest Skinhead, Skinheads in love, The Skinhead King, and Casablanca: Remade version in which every character is a skinhead.

0:20 – Their escape plan consisted of Rocket Propelled Grappling Hooks and asphalt surfing on steel doors? Subtle.

0:24 – Aw, and then they bought a vacation home on the lake. How adorable.

0:27 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to look out over the horizon with caution concern in slow motion.

0:36 – I’m glad their keeping alive the tradition of having B.A. Baracus played by a terrible actor. This huge budget they could have hired a real actor, or even a badass B-lister like Michael Jai White (star of Black Dynamite, which you should fucking see!) But no. Lets take our millions and hire Rampage Jackson.

0:42 – Why does Liam Neeson have soulless black shark eyes?

Creepy as fuck

0:45 – “Did you miss me? Cause I missed you, 70s era black windowless rape van.”

0:48 – Even on a big van, an impact like that is bound to fuck up your undercarriage. Probably break you axel too. At the very least fuck up your alignment. Stupid move. All just to break some wood fence.

0:50 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to silently fiddle with odd looking tools while smiling in slow motion.

0:56 – I’m Bradley Cooper, and as the good-looking sex appeal of this film it’s my job to stand around in the middle of a dead sage patch with my shirt off, looking around suspiciously in slow motion.

“Maybe if we make Cooper take his shirt off women will want to watch this A-Team shit too!”

0:59 – “And if you can find them?” The fuck is that supposed to mean? That sounds less than reliable. It sounds like “and if they feel like it.”

1:02 – Wow. Holy shit. I suddenly miss Mr. T.

1:06 – Oh, get it? Bad Attitude? BA Baracus? Fuck this movie. Fuck this whole franchise. It was shit when it was first on TV and its worse now. Worse but with more money.

1:12 – That’s a shit catchphrase. That’s his goddamn catchphrase. How often could that legitimately come up that it could be your catchphrase?

1:15 – Awkward group laughter so you know the movie isn’t too serious. In case you were worried about that.

1:25 – Did that unmanned predator drone just fire a missile?

1:32 – A) Why was that tank inside a plane. B) I don’t give a shit how many circus-colored parachutes you have, they aren’t holding up a 50 ton tank.

1:35 – No. Just no. Fuck you. That’s just… just fuckin’… no. NO!

No. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

1:41 – There is no plan B? That just seems like poor strategizing.

All I ever hear about on CNN and ABC and CSPAN and especially FOX is how wonderful other cultures and languages are, and how limited and juvenile American English is. The other day, my English “teacher” told that that English is derived from German, and is therefore “not a romance language.” That offends me to my very patriotic core. So what if it’s “linguistically accurate”? I know English is a romance language, because when I hear it I get turned on. I’m aroused most of the time, and this can be the only explanation. Anyway, when I told this to my teacher he became “uncomfortable” and had campus security escort me out.

Anyway, all of this is not the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am here to give the English language a little boost. I always hear that other languages have words so complex that simply can’t be translated into English. For example, the Eskimos have 9000 words for snow, some only one letter long; others take entire pages to spell. This is why the English language is wonderful in my opinion. While they have one word meaning “thin snow” and another meaning “fluffy snow” we simply have the word “snow” and then adjectives to get the same god damn point across if it’s necessary. Usually, it’s not necessary. Who the fuck lives in snow now days? Eskimos? That’s because those people are sadly retarded. Want to know how I know that? They need 9000 words for frozen water.

Look, here is what I’m trying to get to, using my mastery of the English language, I have discarded all of it and just decided to make up random words that I have arbitrarily invented and only loosely have a connection to any form of oral communication. So, without further ado, 10 definitions to complex words I’ve made up and are too complex to be translated to any other language.

Tavernition [Tav-ern-ish-on]- The feeling of foreboding when you know you’ll be hitting the bars and only bad things are to follow when you start drinking.

Knarcking [Nar-king]- Rough sex that accidentally leads to a stripper’s death, even if a stripper wasn’t involved in the sex.

Shegars [She-gars]- Fruit-flavored cigars or cigarellos that are only smoked by women and gay men.

Shood [Shoe-d]- Food with absolutely NO nutritional value and is so hedonistic that it seems ridiculous i.e.-Taco Bell Famous Bowls.

Vokanger [Vo-cane-gar]- An intense rage directed at all around you due to the stupidity of your bosses at work.

Ubbered [Eww-burred]- boredom unlike any other, caused by having a class with a mono-tone teacher who specializes in a topic no one could ever care about even if they were paid to care. And, like, paid a lot.

Jankered [Jane-kurd]- When a girl is obsessed with you, and makes sure you never leave her side. Like “whipped”, but she uses violence instead of her Wang Polisher.

Gknawgina [Naw-gy-nah]- A painfully tight vagina, that feels like it’s biting down on your knob. Often found in virgins, anorexic girls and aliens from the planet SEX.* NASA wasn’t too creative with that one.

Gleeb [Glee-b]- A wet, disgusting, explosive sneeze, often used to spread disease.

Spricks- [Spuh-ricks]- Unbelievably stupid jackasses. Super Pricks. They are the guys who try to steal your girlfriend. While you are there. While you are having sex with her. They don’t care. Also, the same guys who used to spit milk in the weak kids face and then spread rumors he had splooge on his face. Sure, they are funny. But they need to be castrated for the good of the world.