JAN. 2 – Maria de Jesus
Oldest living woman (well, I mean until… you know). Notable for being the only verified person who lived from 1893 to 2009, and winner of the ‘most insanely-religious name’ award. (This was a bit of a surprise as everyone thought the award would go to the German-born God Von Jesus-Moses.)
JAN. 4 – India
The black cat belonging to George W. Bush. This is notable because the wikipedia article on the cat is almost 400 words. On a fucking cat. World famous British Historian Jon Latimer (who died that same day) had a wikipedia page that was 220 words like. India was a cat, I would like to remind you. Also, 2 pictures of it. No pictures of Latimer. To be fair, a 21-year-old female Trinidadian boxer named Giselle Salandy’s wikipage was almost 2000 words, but she died tragically in a car accident. Also: SHE WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!
JAN. 6 – Alan Geisler
One hell of a contribution to the world
This man invented red onion sauce, one of the most popular condiments used on hotdogs by New York pushcart hotdog vendors. Which means he will now be eaten as meat for rats instead of making a condiment that is eaten on top of rat meat. Subtle difference.
JAN. 11 – Freddie Mack
Sure he was a British boxer, but his death is an amazing metaphor for the quickly crashing economy and devastation recession that will inevitably lead to a cannibal-strewn hellscape known as the Cursed Earth, formerly New York and Los Angeles.
JAN. 27 – John Updike
Aww. He looks like my grandpa. That made me sad for a second.
Finally! Someone anyone has ever heard of. Updike was a widely respected author of a prolific number of books with a wide variety of themes and concepts that he explored with beauty and honesty. And to us, he will most famously be known for his brief cameo on the Simpsons when Krusty the Clown yells at him, “Shut up, Updike.” Which, when we were young made us laugh because it sounds funny, and has the word dike. HAHAHA! That’s still funny.
FEB. 3 – Ben Blank
No, thats Brian Williams. Ben Blank is responsible for what’s over his shoulder.
The name might not sound familiar, but the shit-snowball he created can be seen any time you turn on a news program. Blank was the innovator of the “news graphic” such as the news logo displayed on screen and the graphic displayed over a news anchor’s shoulder. Now we have nothing but swoops and noises and CGI and absolutely no fucking news whatsofucking ever. I know it wasn’t your fault, Ben, that you ruined news reporting forever, but fuck you very much.
FEB. 4 – David Snow
That must be a… bird ruler?
Famed Ornithologist. As so you don’t have to hop on Google, that’s “bird fucker.” Well, bird enthusiast technically, but that’s only because they can fly and thus are difficult to catch. But the guy really loved birds. Loved them enough to write over 50 goddamn articles on them. And not just on his blog, but in respected bird fucking journals, so they had to be peer reviewed. If things on the Internet had to be peer reviewed for accuracy and bias, there wouldn’t be a single goddamn thing on the Internet.
FEB. 16 – Travis
I have no idea if this chimp is Travis the chimp. I couldn’t possibly care less.
Again with the animals having giant ass wiki pages. Travis the chimp who was a famous actor-chimp killed his trainers friend, and because of it got a goddamn 1500 word + wiki page. I too would kill for a 1500 word wiki page.
MAR. 7 – Tullio Pinelli
Screenwriter and practicing Nosferatu
The surreal works of Frederico Fellini wouldn’t have been what they were without Pinelli. He was the screenwriter behind such bizarre Italian classics as I Vitelloni, La Strada, La Dolce Vita, and 81/2. But don’t worry, you don’t need to have heard of any of those unless you’re a cocky know-it-all film student. And even then, you still probably wouldn’t have seen any of them.
MAR. 7 – Jimmy Boyd
That is actually the smile of pain and deep, deep sorrow.
When Jimmy was 12, he recorded “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” What most people didn’t know was that it was a true story, and the song was not some cute, semi-romantic Christmas jingle but in fact a form of therapy that Jimmy was undergoing to deal with the mental anguished cause by discovering that his mother was a cheating whore at such a young age. The session was then sold to a record label by his unscrupulous psychiatrist.
MAR. 22 – Abismo Negro
It’s like if Mr. Universe, a Power Ranger and Death from Bill and Ted melded together.
While his real name is the almost-painfully boring Andres Alejandro Gonzales, his Luchador name was Abismo Negro, which is so pants-shittingly awesome and terrifying I would never go by anything else if I were him. In English, it means Black Abyss, which is creepy enough as it is, but in Spanish, I think it automatically makes him some sort of vampire lord.
APR. 2 – John King
When I think I instruments that you could be proud of being know for playing, Ukulele ranks right down thåere with Theremin and Washboard, but John King said “who cares that it’s embarrassing, I want to be just like Tiny Tim.” And then he said, “except not horrifying” and then decided to play classical music on the ukulele.
APR. 12 – Marilyn Chambers
Will always be remembered for breaking barriers. Hot, sweaty interracial barriers.
The star of one of the world’s first widely-distributed porn films, Behind The Green Door, Chamber’s accomplishments can be boiled down to two things, both of which were seen in BTGD. First of all, she was a civil rights proponent by desegregating porn with the very first interracial sex scene. So, one might call her a hero. Also, she was in a surreal cum-shot scene that showed semen flying through the air over and over again for seven minutes and landing on her face. Yup, she was an American hero.
APR. 25 – Beatrice Arthur
While she may not be “little known” (after all, she was known inaccurately as ‘That One Golden Girl who was Actually a Man*’), you probably didn’t remember she was dead. I mean, not to be cruel, but I kinda thought she died years ago, so when I learned she died this year, I had already prematurely dealt with that pain. [* This is incorrect. She wasn’t the one golden girl who was actually a man. Estelle Getty was also a man.]
APR. 26 – Hans Holzer
Anyone who picked up a book on the paranormal when they were a kid is going “that name sounds familiar.” Well that’s because Hans Holzer is the fucking man! A ghost hunter, a demon investigator, and a prolific author about both hobbies, Hans Holzer made every kid want to study the supernatural long before the X-Files even existed.
MAY 1 – Danny Gans
Its like an M.C. Escher painting but… weirder.
Remember that time you went to Vegas, and wanted to go to a magic show, but Siegfried and Roy had already been mauled into a coma and not only was David Copperfield a sex offender but also cost $10,000 per ticket? And so you then got Danny Gans tickets? And when it was over you were like, “oh… okay… I guess. Huh. Whatever.” Anyway, he ODed.
JUN. 9 – Michael Roof
Do you remember XXX with Vin Diesel and XXX: State Of The Union? Well, in those movies, do you remember the nerdy sidekick character? Sure he was unnecessary and dorky, but he was fun, and seemed like he could have been pretty funny with some good material. Yeah, he hung himself at age 32. That… that really sucks. What’s weird? 6 days after David Carradine died from hanging, although the circumstances were far different. I think Roof’s death was less hookers and masturbation related.
JUN. 25 – Michael Jackson
We were unable to find any photos of Mr. Jackson.
Yeah, THAT Michael Jackson. He’s dead. Weird huh? It seems like that would have been covered by at least the local press. Hmm. Well whatever.
