DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

Google has come under fire in the last few years for it’s GoogleMaps program, which uses advanced satellite imaging to show satellite views of American homes, and has even put cameras on a fleet of vans that drive around every street, taking a series of photographs to create “street view” map. Privacy activists have claimed in the past that this is a violation of individual rights, to which Google has disagreed.

Now, however, Google seems to be intentionally laughing in their faces with their new maps that use until-now unknown X-Ray technology that takes intricate pictures of the insides of people’s homes, showing everything they own. And instead of updating these maps every few months, they are using a vast array of floating cameras that will fly around taking moment-by-moment updated pictures. Los Angeles and New York are the first two trial cities, the residents of which are less than thrilled.

“So what? People on Google are going to get to watch when I’m going to the bathroom?” Asked LA Resident Drew West.

“That’s a really short-sighted comment,” said Dean Walton, director of the GoogleMaps HOMES program. “We won’t just show people going to the bathroom, but also people banging, shooting drugs, beating their wives and every other thing that no one wants us to see.”

Walton then went on to begin muttering “then we will have all the knowledge. Yes, yes, all the knowledge in the world!” His maniacal laughing and evil hand wringing signaled the obvious end to the interview.

Google also revealed several other projects, including a plan to unveil a police force made entirely out of floating metal spheres with laser turrets that will enforce Google’s Terms of Service with deadly force, and a plan that will map people’s thoughts and intentions using their warehouses full of enslaved pre-cognitive psychics.

0:05 – Wait… the Twin Towers? I… huh.

0:10 – He mentioned the name of my column!

0:25 – Ha ha! Get it? Cause phones were larger in the 80s. Hahaha!

0:36 – Aw, and the movie looked so good for a minute. Wait, this isn’t a cherished childhood memory. Why is he here to ruin it?

0:44 – Why is Shia dating a 12 year old? It’s pretty ballsy to add a sub-plot about pedophilia. Oh, she’s just unattractive. Gotcha.

0:47 – Shes like Molly Ringwald if Molly Ringwald had never been sexually attractive.

0:53 – Really? A long line for a book signing about insider trading?

0:58 – Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is not one of those times.

1:09 – What Michael Douglas would look like if his career had gone the way it should have, and he ended up as a drunk hobo. (‘Falling Down’ excluded.)

1:13 – They let 16 year olds be investment bankers and stock managers?

1:28 – “Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it.” Best look Michael Douglas has ever given.

1:29 – Creepy couch pose there Gordon. Looks like Shia’s really gonna have to work for that job. With his mouth. Im talking about oral here. On Douglas. You know what? Never mind. Just forget about it.

1:32 – Bad sign number 2.

1:35 – “Whuaah. That’s a number so high I can’t even know it.”

1:39 – Aw fuck it. Lets throw in some Brolin.

1:43 – The high stakes world of Impromptu Investment Banking Macho Motor-Cycle Riding One-Up-man-ship Challenges.

1:47 – Really? A burgundy suit? Really?

1:50 – It’s Nixon with a beard!

1:53 – The international sign of bad guy: Slicked back hair.

1:55 – Were all the pretty actresses busy working on different movies?

1:56 – Gaudy.

1:59 – Do you think that was a reference to his movie “The Game?” That was actually a pretty good movie too…

2:11 – “Its easy to get it, it’s hard to get out.” Like when Wolves have sex. Look it up.

2:17 – It’s hard to be threatening when your wearing glasses that you just stole from Elton John.

Are you ready?

I can’t HEAR you!

Oh, right. The whole internet aspect. That does put a damper on the ‘hearing you’ thing. Well, I’ll assume that I couldn’t hear you enthusiastically say either “We’re Ready!” or “Yes!” to my now-rhetorical question, and I will ask it again, just in the hopes that you will be louder.

ARE-YOU-READY?!?!?!

Audience: Yeah! WOOO
(Some Asshole Off in the Back of the Crowd: Freebird!)

Well hold on to your asses while they get blown away by the sheer, unrelenting, highly-pressured cannon-blast of funny shot so hard and fast up your ass its like being sodomized by a jester’s baton!

Hmm… that doesn’t sound as pleasurable as I wanted the description of unequaled hilarity to sound. Sounds more rapey than I would like. Like your getting raped by comedy. I’m fairly certain doctors, police officers, and Susan B. Anthony would say that the topic of unconsenting forced sex is not a humorous one, and we all know Susan B. Anthony made the flag, (or some other womany thing.) And, much like superman or George Washington, the flag cannot tell a lie. So, using applied laws of Aristotelian Philosophical Deduction, rape is not hilarious. So, we wont rape you with humor.

However, the humor will be biting, edgy, powerful, insightful, and only pandering about 30 to 40 percent of the time. 80 percent of the time if we run out of ideas.

We will be like Gorge Carlin, Richard Pryor, or Lenny Bruce, only lacking the subtly, brlliance and over-all talent. But we will still kick a fair amount of ass. Like, ten, maybe twenty asses an hour. We will measure how great our articles are by the AKPH, or Asses Kicked Per Hour!

Anyway, brace yourself, strap yourself in, and get ready. The best humor site on earth is about to punch you in the ear!