DRUNK ON ALCOHOL

"Choke" On Your High Hopes

Administrator — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 06:00:00 +0000

In films, hardcore nudity, graphic depictions of sex, rape and blasphemy are still touchy subjects, what with the existence of the South and the Mid West. So it might be disappointing to hear that a great book, filled with nothing but sexual taboos and touchy subjects, was being made into a movie. After all, how could they possibly be faithful to the hardcore source material? Well, Clark Gregg, the writer and director of “Choke” managed to pull off a miracle.

The story of Choke is the story of a sad, empty man named Victor. As med-school dropout, he works as a historical re-enactor at a colonial village to pay for his crazy mother’s mental health facility bills. Well, at least partially. The other money he makes is from scamming people at restaurants, by pretending to choke on his food. When some customer saves him, that customer feels responsible for Victor’s life, to the point where they send him money, and he milks the savioristic feeling they get for all it’s worth.

The graphic sex comes from the fact that Victor, on top of everything else, is a sex addict. He cruises sex addicts anonymous meetings because it’s easy to score. As the book says, you put a bunch of people with the same problem in a room together, what do you expect?

The book the film is based on is by Chuck Palahniuk, the esteemed author of Fight Club. He is a man with an army of rabidly loyal fans who worship his every word, so it’s with great caution that I say, Fight Club was a much better film than it was a book. The screenwriter, Jim Uhls, was able to take a scatterbrained, messy book and turn it into a coherent, brilliant work of art, and change a terrible ending into an amazing one. Unfortunately, Clark Gregg wasn’t able to pull off such a feat.

While Gregg stayed incredibly close to the source material, which was excellent, the most interesting parts of the book have nothing to do with the plot, but rather long expanses of little-known facts of conspiracies, told more to the reader just for show than any sort of plot development. When you take those long, rambling, fascinating monologs out, your left with an okay plot, with little to no character development.

Nothing felt conclusive, but nothing felt intentionally ambiguous either. The whole movie, especially toward the end, felt like it just kept forgetting where it was going, and forgetting where it had been, leaving everything up in the air, but not in any sense that felt like it had been done on purpose.

Nothing bad can be said about the acting though. Sam Rockwell played Victor, and he was flat-out amazing. He captured the depravity and hopeless emptiness of Victor so well, it was hard to believe Rockwell isn’t a psychotic sex-addict with self-loathing tendencies (and who knows? Maybe he is.)

Angelica Huston plays his emotionally abusive, mentally deranged mother who slips in and out of lucidity, and she is really the only person who could match Rockwell’s immersive believability. While Kelly Macdonald, as Paige Marshall, Victor’s love interest, was very good, as was Brad William Henke, Victor’s best friend Denny, it was Rockwell and Huston who upstage everyone.

One other note a praise about the film is it’s very successful use of dark humor, and it was very, very funny in all of the places where no other film could have been, but it was also unrelenting and unapologetic in it’s portrayal of the sex and the sexual culture and experiences. Needless to say, this isn’t a movie for kids, unless you have a really screwed up kind of family. Then, feel free.

While the movie may have not pulled off what made the book great, and may not have the impact of Fight Club (but hey, what does?) it was still an entertaining film. Adding to the mix was the almost-nonexistent budget of $3.4 million and a freakishly short 25-day shooting schedule, and it’s amazing the movie came out as well as it did. If your looking for a few good laughs and some attractive naked people, I would say this film is a win.

SPORE game protested by Religious Crazies

Administrator — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:59:00 +0000

In the weeks after EA released the new game SPORE, controversy has been developing among religious groups who believe SPORE to be subversive and heathenistic, for allowing characters to play as “God.”

“The atheist God-haters who made this game obviously want to corrupt the minds of our young ones and turn them to evil,” said Constance Young, advocate for the group Devotees In Christ’s Kingdom and Service (DICKS). “This flagrant disregard for the holy bible and the stead-fast historical facts it provides needs to be punished!”

In SPORE, you create creatures from the primordial ooze, and as they grow and forage, they begin to evolve into larger creatures with more features and advantages. The natural advantages you build onto them allow them to adapt to their surroundings, and battle for territorial dominance. This has been seen by DICKS as support of the theory of evolution.

“This game is trying to lie to kids and tell them that we come from monkeys and birds and whatnot,” said Young. “Do I look like I got feathers to you?”

When told that the game features no monkeys, or humans, Young rebutted that none of that mattered. She also admitted to never having played the game, and only hearing about it from a TV commercial she saw half of.

“It don’t matter what I seen, it matters what my kids done seen!” Young yelled. “Of course none of my kids would never play this game, because they don’t have those computer things. But they got the TVs, and that’s just as bad.”

When asked to explain what she meant by any of what she had said, she stormed off and joined the picket line around EA Games’ headquarters.

Even infamous anti-videogame activist Jack Thompson was present at the protest.
“I have been told the game features the extinction of whole groups!” Thompson yelled, to no one in particular. “This game is a Third Reich simulator! Were teaching our children to commit genocide!”

It was unclear to the audience whether or not Thompson knew that animal species go extinct naturally, or even if he knew which game he was protesting.

SPORE creator Will Wright was unavailable for comment at the time of press.

Anger #21: The Cold War, the Irish, and Republican Comedy

Administrator — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Let there be light. I’m back, I’m tan, I’m rested, I’m drunk and I’m literate. So here I come.

For too long I’ve been waiting by the sidelines, keeping my mouth shut about politics. I never bring it up at parties or go on long rants about the disgusting maggots that most people in Washington (and almost anyone aspiring to go to Washington (even just on vacation)) are. But now I see things every day that drive me mad, and what makes me even madder is that not all of it is coming from the lie-spewing maw of the politicians, but the morons who are just sitting back and watching the collapse of our world. A bit dramatic, I guess, but fuck you.

First off, apparently the cold war is back on with Russia. According to Condoleezza Rice, Russia’s behavior is getting worse and worse all the time and we wont stand for it. That’s right, Rice said that America wont stand by and watch a world leader invade a sovereign nation under the guise of “self-defense” without even letting a neutral third-party investigation be held, and doing so against the will of most of the free-world… and she was talking about Russia… I’m amazed she didn’t explode in a bloody geyser of hypocrisy right there in her little shoes. It would have been amazing to see.

Second of all, I denounce my Irish heritage (and my strong desire to have Irish heritage). Those bastards let me down when a group made up of them invited McCain to speak about US-Irish relations. He was the first republican to be chosen is the group’s history. And why is that? Because the Irish notoriously don’t like black people. Since the Civil War, when the two groups saw each other as threats to their employment, the groups have been more hateful than any other in America (aside from Non-Irish Whites VS Everyone). So, fuck that noise. If the Irish want to win a power-player like myself back to their camp, I’m going to need tanker trucks full of premium Irish whiskey. And don’t try putting a fancy label on the side and just filling it with Black Velvet! I’ll know!

Third, and finally for the moment, An American Carol is coming out. Oh my fucking god. This psycho right-wing freak show of a film managed to grab a cast too! WHAT THE FUCK?! Movies like this should be relegated to “stars” like Kirk Cameron and Gary Coleman (who is actually in the movie, so I guess that’s okay…) But this atrocious piece of shit stars Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight, James Woods, Dennis Hopper, Leslie Nielsen, and David Allen Grier! DAG!! This movie has the same kind of humor as Uwe Boll’s “Postal”, but just with a fucking ridiculous republican angle, and NOT AS FUNNY! Uwe Boll made a movie that has the potential to be better than something! What sweet, fresh hell is this?!

SOON TO BE BACK

Administrator — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 22:39:00 +0000

Look, we’ve been having too good of a time here at DrunkOnAlcohol and we’ve been slacking on our duties. For this, we apologize.

However, the whole staff and creative development team is going on a booze-free beach vacation for a week, and when we get back, brace yourselves you sons of bitches. It’s going to be a fuckstorm!

5 Of The Coolest Gadgets James Bond NEVER Used

Administrator — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Cell Phone Gun- Flip phone takes on a whole new meaning when the phone is flipped into a gun. Point the antennae at your target, squeeze the buttons on both sides of the phone simultaneously, and plug a few rounds into the man you’re hunting. It makes that killer umbrella gun looks like nothing.

Sleeping-Bomb Booze Bottle- While Bond might like Shaken Not Stirred (depending on the movie), he wouldn’t want what is in this bottle. Why? Because it is a high-powered, sleep-inducing chemical agent. Pull off the label, which is actually a temporary gas mask, put it over your nose and mouth, then unscrew the top of the bottle, and let the liquid turn to an aerosol spray and cloud the room, knocking out anyone who needs to sleep. Good way to clear whole rooms.

Super-Tips- Small, electrified, flesh tone pads that’s attach to your finger tips, and allow you to electrically incapacitate anyone you can touch. Need to get past a guard? All you need to do it get close enough to touch him and hell hit the ground, out cold. Just apply with skin-glue and enjoy.

Bullet-Proof Suit- This isn’t just some Kevlar dressed up to look fancy, this is a real Tuxedo, and it makes Kevlar look like construction paper. Woven from high-impact spider-silk fibers and “liquid steel” thread, this tuxedo can take a point-blank shot from a Desert Eagle, and you’ll feel like it was a punch in the chest. You might not want to stand in front of an AK-47, but a few bursts won’t do too much damage, unless you take on in the head. That’s you’re fault for not ducking.

PDA Wallet- While it looks like a leather wallet, fold it open and that little, plastic card holder can be used as a screen. With wireless internet, you can check your email, contact back-up, keep mission briefings and target info, or just look at porn when your bored at a stakeout.

Ludicrous Laws and Ridiculous Rules

Administrator — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:09:00 +0000

In Georgia, the ban on lewd or obscene bumper stickers has been overturned after a women was fined for her anti-Bush sticker with an obscenity in it. So now, motorists’ freedom of expression has been upheld, and a quirky law overturned.

Throughout America, and the world, there exist thousands of odd, quirky and just plain freaky laws that make very little sense as to why they exist in the first place. Usually, the law comes from one specific court case where something weird happened and so the weird behavior was banned. Most of these laws are outmoded and completely ignored. If they were ever tried, more likely than not they would be overturned. For example, in many states in the U.S., atheism is illegal. If this was ever tried, the Supreme Court would overturn it immediately. So, although the laws have little effect, guessing what bizarre event lead to the law’s conception is the whole fun of knowing quirky laws. Here are some freaky laws from my home state and the cities in and around it.

In California
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

In Arcadia Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

In Baldwin Park - Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

In Chico - Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.

In Chico (again) - Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

In El Monte - Pinball machines are outlawed, as well as mock horse racing games.

In Eureka - A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

In Fresno - No one may annoy a lizard in a city park.

In Glendale - A person must be 18 years old to buy a wax container.

In Hollywood - It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

In Indian Wells - It is illegal for a trumpet player to play his instrument with the intention of luring someone to a store. In Indian Wells (again) - Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited.

In Los Angeles- It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

In Los Angeles County - It is illegal to set metal balloons afloat in the air.

In Norco - All persons wishing to keep a rhinoceros as a pet must obtain a $100 license first.

In Pacific Grove - It is illegal to molest butterflies.

In Palm Springs - It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

In Pasadena - It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

In Redlands - Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it.

In Riverside - One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

In Walnut - Kites may not be flown above 10 feet over the ground.

In Walnut (again) - Children may not wear a Halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.

In Walnut (one more time) - Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff.

These laws are not limited to California. In Auburn, Alabama any man who has sex with a virgin girl, regardless of age or marital status, can be sentenced to five years in prison. In New Jersey, it’s illegal to pump your own gas and in Kentucky, you may not dye a duckling blue and offer it for sale unless more than six are for sale at once.

In France you can’t wear religious symbols in any public school. In some Middle Eastern countries women aren’t allowed to drive and in Manila, only royalty can drive maroon cars. So, although California is known as a bizarre state, what with the fakeness of Hollywood and decadence of San Francisco, people should know that bizarre stuff happens all across this wide, magnificent world.

How To Deck Out Your Dorm With Damn Good Decore

Administrator — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 20:14:00 +0000

The dorms are a new experience for a lot of students. Its chance to have freedom from their parents and the ability to decorate their room how they like, except for the ability to paint their walls or slam nails into them either. Here are some suggestions as to what to put in your room and some fantastic places to get them. They may not all be available to students on a tight budget, but maybe overtime work or begging your parents can help you acquire these items.

Lava Lamps - ($15-$25) Lava Lamps are an interesting technology involving transparent oil and translucent wax in a glass bottle that gets hot by resting on top of a light bulb. The end result is an awesomely psychedelic affect that’s totally trippy when you’re burnt out from hours of studying. You can find them at most novelty stores and a good online site is www.simply70s.com, in the Lava Lamp section.

Posters - ($5-$35) What is a dorm room without posters? It’s empty and lame, that’s what it is. Unless you’re some minimalist or puritan, white boring walls are not conducive for a fun college experience. Got a favorite movie? The almost defiantly have a poster about it. Fight Club, Lord of the Rings, Johnny Deep and Angelina Jolie can now be a few inches away from your fingertips, in paper form that is. You can order any number of posters at www.allposters.com.

Mini-fridge- ($100-$300) While they are a little pricey they can also be a useful tool for keeping the thieves and moochers you live with away from your precious soda and freezer food. They can also be excellent space savers. They make great surfaces for televisions, phones or laptops. Also, you can now be so lazy on your weekends that you don’t even need to leave your room except to use the bathroom. Office Depot and CostCo both have a good variety of mini-fridges at reasonable prices.

Christmas lights - ($2-$10) They aren’t just for the holiday season anymore. Christmas lights can provide a nice environment and ambiance for the tired or people looking for romantic interludes. The multiple colors and soft light also make for great nightlights for those who are afraid of the dark. Also, most Christmas lights have a socket at the end that allows for more electronics, such as phone chargers, to have a place to be plugged in.

Beanbag chairs - ($55-$105)Bean Bag Chairs are the quintessential 60s hippy living room furniture and, if you have the space, can be a great addition to your dorm room that both you and your roomie can utilize. It makes the room look more fun, less Spartan and just a better place to learn and enjoy your hopefully short time at this university. You can find good ones are www.thebeanbagchairoutlet.com

Shelves - ($40-$100) In a tiny room like those in a dorm, space is important. You’re already living with someone in a tiny place smaller than your bedroom at home, so making sure you have room to hang out, sleep, read and relax is very important. Pick up some dark wood shelves if your going for an elegant look, or fun metal shelves if you want that neo-techno look. A place for shelves or almost any other dorm feature is www.dormbuys.com.
Smart people books - ($5-$30) Depending on the person you are trying to impress, books that make you look intelligent may help get them to warm up to you. My suggestions are The Stranger by Albert Camus, The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith, Don Quixote de la Mancha by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Six Easy Pieces by Richard P. Feynman, or The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins (as long as the person you are trying to court isn’t religious.) You can find these, and many other smart people books, at www.barnesandnobel.com.

Bettie Page calendars - ($14) Bettie Page, the sex icon of 50s, looks great when animated by the classic pin-up artist Olivia, and these calendars are a dozen of her beautiful works. A girl with a Bettie Page pin-up calendar gives of a cute sort of kinky vibe to the guys who want to get with her .A guy with a Bettie Page calendar will get to have pictures of a hot chick on the wall, but still have that touch of class. It is art after all. The 2007 calendar can be found at www.calendars.com.